A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma
6 months later she wakes up and asks the doctors about her baby.
Doctor: you had twins! A boy and a girl. They are both healthy. Luckily, your brother was here and he named them.
Woman: oh no, he is an idiot. What are their names?
Doctor: the girls name is Denise
Woman: okay, that’s not to bad, what about the boy?
Luckily my injury’s were only super fish oil.
I told him it's much easier to woo a cake.
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers “Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”
I thought, there is no way they're going to fit in a bowl of soup…
Me and my recliner go way back.
God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded So he sits down with St Peter and says “Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day” Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives “Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules… you’re not allowed in unless you’ve had like a really bad day” The man doesn’t pause before screaming: “Bad day? A bad day! Let me tell you about my day. I have suspected my wife of cheating on me for a year now and I decided to come home at lunch and catch her in the act. So I go up to my apartment on the 10th floor and I nearly bust straight in. Anyway she’s lying on the couch, naked and screaming at me! I can’t find the guy anywhere, until I go outside on the balcony and there’s this guy, naked, holding on to the balcony floor. And he’s screaming at me too! Well next thing I go into this rage… I just stomp on his hands and he falls the ten storeys. But at the bottom these branches break his fall, and he starts to get up! He’s alive! So I grab the nearest thing, our fridge, and I haul it out onto the edge of the balcony and lever t over the railing, sending it right at him. I don’t know what happened next though cause I gave myself a heart attack while doing it!” Peter nods “wow yeah that is rough. In ya come”. The next guy in line walks up, naked “Hey so yeah, new rules, you have to have had a bad day to get in” “Well let me tell ya. I was home sick from work and I just got out of the shower. Anyway I walked out onto my balcony of my fifteen floor apartment to get some fresh air. A gust of wind whipped my towel off and I reached out to grab it… but I ended up falling over the edge! Luckily I managed to turn mid-air and grab onto this balcony. So I am hanging there, screaming for someone to help me when this god damn mad man comes running out and starts stamping on my fingers! I then fall ten storeys, but I’m saved! All these branches in these trees at the bottom slowly break my fall. I was just getting my bearings when I look up and a fridge is flying at my face” Peter nods… perplexed… “wow. Yeah. Okay. That sounds rough, in ya go… next” This other guy walks up, and Peter says “same as the last two, you’ve had to have had a bad day to get in” The guy looks at him and goes “Okay. So imagine this. You’re naked inside a fridge”
they just finished a 31 day March.
They both barely cover the asshole. EDIT: I leave this up for a few hours and 500 upvotes already?! Thanks everyone! EDIT 2: WOW! MY FIRST MEDAL EVER! THANK YOU KIND REDDIT STRANGER!
…when Superman flies by and sees her. Her naked body has him feeling all types of ways, so he starts to think, "You know, I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of there before she even realizes what happened." So, Superman flies in, does his business and takes off. Wonder Woman says, "What was that?" The Invisible Man responds, "I don't know, but my fucking ass is killing me."
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A peanut butter and Jellyfish sandwich.
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
The Invisible man!
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A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?” The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!” “That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?” “Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly. The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?” “No problem,” replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!” Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly… WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
A year ago, drunk and lonely, I stumbled upon Reddit by mistake when I was looking for RedTube. A year later the difference is obvious; one is a site full of naked people with no self respect, moaning and saying or doing all sorts of degrading things just to get some attention. The other appears to focus mainly on pornography. Thanks for a great first year!
Something terrible is about to happen I can feel it
So I asked him how much it costs and whether or not it works.
That was a trip down memory lane
He says to the bartender, "I'll have a………………beer." The bartender responds, "What's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "Always had 'em."
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
Every time I pull the trigger grasshoppers fly out.
“I used to love tractors.”
or should I spread them apart?
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..It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
But I ain’t no snitch.
“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!” His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine – just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.” “Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. Wife sees him and says “ohh honey look what you’ve done! You’ve been sick everywhere! I can’t believe you got this drunk.” “Noo”, the man says, “it was someone else and look, to prove it there’s ten dollars in my shirt pocket from the guy who did it to go get it cleaned.” “But there’s twenty dollars in here…” she points out “I know,” he says, “he also shit in my pants.”
Because a bath with you would send me to heaven.
It's not a long poem, but it's deep.
But it was just my imagine Asian.
I said, "That's my term, Eric."