A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma
6 months later she wakes up and asks the doctors about her baby.
Doctor: you had twins! A boy and a girl. They are both healthy. Luckily, your brother was here and he named them.
Woman: oh no, he is an idiot. What are their names?
Doctor: the girls name is Denise
Woman: okay, that’s not to bad, what about the boy?
Doctor: Denephew
What is yellow, but tastes like red paint
Yellow paint
How did the farmer find his daughter?
He tractor
What are Mario’s jeans made of?
Denim denim denim Denim denim denim
How do you search for Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints.
COVID spelled backwards is DIVOC
which is fitting cause I have no idea what DIVOC is going on
Mexico called.
They are willing to pay for the wall now.
If your house doesn’t have house numbers on it,
you need to address that situation.
“Life is like a box of chocolates”
“It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”
A pirate walks into a bar.
His pants are open in the front, and there’s a steering wheel inside them. The bartender looks at him. “Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?” “Arrrrgh,” replies the pirate. “It’s drivin’ me nuts.”
Why should you NEVER ask Rick Ashley for his complete collection of Pixar movies?
Because, he’s never going to give you Up! Told by Siri on my HomePod
I was kicked out of the neighborhood pool for peeing in the deep end
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in
An athlete walks into a bar
And gets eliminated from the high jump competition
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
What do Game of Thrones and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icey dead people
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
What do you call two bananas on the floor?
A pair of slippers.
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippy?
Because he was too far out man
I’m hosting a charity for men struggling to ejaculate
If you can’t come let me know
What do you call a failed abortion?
Survival of the fetus
A teacher says to her class one day, “Whoever answers my next question, can go home.”
A boy throws his bag out the window. The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?” The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”
A prosthetics company was going out of business.
It was on its last legs.
“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”
Son: Dad, you were a helicopter mechanic. Dad: Never said I was a good one.
Teacher : Why didn’t you come to the school yesterday?
Student : My dad is in the hospital 1 week later.. Teacher : Is your dad still in the hospital? Student : Yes, he is a doctor.
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything”.
The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it. The Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” and the vendor replies “change must come from within”. A gun then extends from the Buddhist’s chest and he asks again. The vendor says “Whoa, man, where did that come from?” The Buddhist replies “This is my inner piece”.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua
What has a head, a tail, but no body?
A coin Source: my 7 year old sister
i just heard that oxygen and magnesium are together
i was like OMg
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar
No strings attached.
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
WeWork’s Founder Adam Neumann Getting Owned by Masa Son of SoftBank
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdPlCiS287k&t=3s