A wonderful mixup
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?' 'I'm out of gas,' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. 'Try it now,' said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'? The bee answered, ‘BP’
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs.
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath, I can survive anything.
Why did the blind person fall into the well?
They didn’t see that well.
my girlfriend left me because I’m insecure
nevermind she's back she just went to pee
My daughter asked for a Cinderella themed birthday party,..
So I made her and friends mop the floor and do the dishes.
The pub was pretty wild last night,
Some lady got her nipple pierced. And I got banned from playing darts.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
Sumida Aquarium eels are forgetting what humans look like and hiding from workers
https://ift.tt/2VXoHBe
A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed.
He tells his wife that after he passes away he doesn’t want her to be alone. “Six months after I pass, I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.” “Joe?” his wife asks. “But I thought you hated Joe.” “I do,” the man answers.
I was not ready.
(Walmart, son, stranger interaction.) Son: hi, I got a haircut. Stranger: looks like you got more than just one. Son: (silence) Me: bent over losing it
Dont you hate it when people get ahead of themselves?
Edit：Wow thanks for the gold kind stranger!
I asked my son, “Hey, guess what!?” Hesitatingly, he said, “What?”
I yelled, "Good guess!"
My penis is so large…
…when I lay it across the keyboard it stretches all the way from A to Z!
I really enjoy telling Dad Jokes
Sometimes he laughs.
Went to the grocery store today. They told me gloves and a mask would be enough…
They LIED. Everybody else had clothes on!
Call me a racist if you want but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity. I wouldn’t touch it with a 10 foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
How do you feed 1000 people with one loaf of bread?
You cut the ends and now you have endless bread. Courtesy of my 12 year old daughter.
What do you call an Elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. “My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy.” The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy’s nervousness builds, but he then asks:
"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They checked the reviews……………. only one star.
The 10th film for The Fast and Furious was just announced
And its called "Fast Ten, Your Seatbelt"
What do you get when you boil a funny bone?
A laughing stock
My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes nude in her backyard.
Personally I’m on the fence.
If you pronounce “fuck off” backwards.
you say it in a British accent.
Make sure you raise your left leg at midnight tonight guys.
Let’s start the new year off on the right foot.
I made a chicken salad today.
Stupid bird wasn’t even grateful.
