A wonderful mixup
He was shopping for beddingdingding.
And it’s discussing fucking.
It was an accident but the girl gets a really nasty black eye. So the next day the girl gets to tell to all her friends about it and blames the brother. The brother doesn’t like the unwarranted attention. He goes to his father and tells him he doesn’t like his sister telling everyone he hit her. The father finds it reasonable and tells the sister not to tell people about it as it is embarrassing the brother. The next day she goes to school and the teacher notices the black eye. The teacher goes up to girl and asks if she is alright. The girl responds that she is fine. The teacher then asks how she got such a nasty black eye. The sister responds, “My father told me not to say.”
You'll have to Walkman.
But I'm clean now.
If you don't clean your house, you'll get a dirty lair.
I could do it with my eyes closed
It was an iDivorce
“You crossed the wrong guy” I think all the redditors will agree, with this joke, I nailed it Edit: I am a Christian myself and I dont mean to offend anyone, I just thought it was hilarious.
Wife: I'm pregnant. Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
…need to take a good long look at themselves.
You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.
Because people are dying to get in! (My dad told me this one when we drove past a cemetery one day lol)
He really gets a kick out of it.
Your body takes a screenshot
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.
Screw is what my dad did before I was born. Bolt is what he did after I was born.
Now I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend.
For God's sake.
It's a vicious cycle…
Then it hit me.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 93,934 matches.
His wife protests:"Why all the same color, people will think I dont change my panties." Husband asks:"Which people?"
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks. "What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!" "Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
When do we want it Neeeooooooow
Because he was feeling crumby.
but geography is where it’s at!!
Because it runs in your jeans.
Just elements of it
My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people. One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally. Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?” My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.” Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is. Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”
It’s the little things that count.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.