A work friend just sent me this. Not sure how to cope
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with…
Why did the latino man go to the therapist?
To talk about hispanic attacks.
My band is called 999 megabytes. We don’t have any gigs.
No text found
The world’s largest egg is laid by the Ostrich…
And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad.
When do you go at red and stop at green?
When you’re eating a watermelon.
Therapists only care about one thing
And it’s fu*king discussing
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
How do they expect you to eat your burrito in 30min. Smh
How do they expect you to eat your burrito in 30min. Smh
I was drinking at a bar so i took the bus home
Seemed like a good idea at the time but i've never driven a bus before…
Please laugh
What's a thousand times better than Instagram? Instakilogram
Got my first tattoo today
But it was only temporary. (I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus
Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?”
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
Did you know that Iceland…
…is only one sea away from Ireland?
A cute girl at work said she’d only go on a date with me on a day that doesn’t end in ‘Y’
I said "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"
This might be my proudest dad joke so far
My daughter was meeting Daisy Duck at Disney world this morning and Daisy was signing her autograph book. I mentioned to the Disney cast member who was taking the photos that I didn't know that Daisy was left handed. The cast member said "Maybe she's ambidextrous" to which I replied "I think you mean ambiDUCKstrous".
My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will…
..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.
Who can drink 2 liters of gasoline
Jerry can
I saw glass coffins are now a thing and I wonder if they’ll be popular?
Remains to be seen
I was having a shit on the train when some bloke knocked on the door.
He said ‘can I see your ticket please?’ ‘Not right now, I’m having a shit’ I shouted back. ‘I don’t believe you, can you slide it under the door?’ He snapped back annoyedly ‘Sure thing, no problem. The yellow bits are sweet corn’ I said