A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick."
As they left, the younger doctor remarked, "You didn't even examine that woman!"
and then asked, "How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
"Ah! You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash.
That was what has probably been making her sick."
The younger doctor replied, "Pretty clever! If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, both physicians spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run-down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her.
"Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, as she is very active in the church." Then he asked, "But how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed.
You'd think it would be "R" or "C", but it's actually "P", because without it, he'd be irate.
"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up." So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder. At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out. The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him, "So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?" The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool, "Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn't drink much… just a couple of beers." The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds, "The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck."
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other off.
tosses him a frisbee
Please don't. She's out of town on business for the next week.
He tells the genie "I am a simple man. All I wish for is to spend more time with my family, have a shorter commute and a case of Corona"
Because they’re really good at it
Because they're really good at it.
Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?
Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot.
Another day, another Dawn.
I watched it all unfold.
…when I lay it across the keyboard it stretches all the way from A to Z!
Fine. Suit yourself
Ate a glock in the morning.
My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young.”
I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”
I never get included in anything either.
The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby
They couldn’t control their pupils
One says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there".
He said, “Now who is being presumptuous?”
My dealer has now got some explaining to do.
DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it … DAD: I’ll have the chicken