A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick."
As they left, the younger doctor remarked, "You didn't even examine that woman!"
and then asked, "How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
"Ah! You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash.
That was what has probably been making her sick."
The younger doctor replied, "Pretty clever! If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, both physicians spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run-down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her.
"Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, as she is very active in the church." Then he asked, "But how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed.
What’s a pirate’s favourite letter?
You'd think it would be "R" or "C", but it's actually "P", because without it, he'd be irate.
A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock
"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up." So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder. At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out. The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him, "So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?" The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool, "Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn't drink much… just a couple of beers." The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds, "The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck."
Police arrested two kids yesterday
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other off.

Stolen, but proves that Boomers have become self aware, their humour knows no bounds…
https://ift.tt/3e90SO3
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?
tosses him a frisbee
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business for the next week.
6 months ago a man stumbles across a genies bottle and is granted three wishes
He tells the genie "I am a simple man. All I wish for is to spend more time with my family, have a shorter commute and a case of Corona"
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it
Why can’t you see hippopotamus hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?
Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot.
My wife uses a whole bottle of dishwasher every time she washes the dishes at night.
Another day, another Dawn.
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she had just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
My penis is so large…
…when I lay it across the keyboard it stretches all the way from A to Z!
My son told me that he didn’t need any help to put on his tie.
Fine. Suit yourself
What did the solar panel say to the soul man
SOUL POWER
When is the best time to commit suicide?
Ate a glock in the morning.
My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young.”
I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”

Much more sad than funny, if he could only go a few days with out alienating the base.
https://ift.tt/2TBinOr
I can sympathize with batteries.
I never get included in anything either.
I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”
The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”
Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant.
But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby
There was once a cross eyed teacher
They couldn’t control their pupils
Two deer walks out of a gay bar…
One says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there".
My son just called me Jim. I said, “That’s a bit presumptuous. Call me Dad.”
He said, “Now who is being presumptuous?”
My drug test came back negative..
My dealer has now got some explaining to do.
WAITER: are you ready to order?
DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it … DAD: I’ll have the chicken