A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died"
Dave replied, "Well, then just give me my money back"
The farmer said, "Can’t do that. I went and spent it already"
Dave said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse"
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Dave said, "I’m going to raffle him off"
The farmer said, "You can’t raffle off a dead horse!"
Dave said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead"
A month Later, the farmer met up with Dave and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
Dave said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495"
The farmer said, "Didn’t anyone complain?"
Dave said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back"
One big difference between men and women is…
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
I watched a movie about graphs last night, but I was slightly disappointed.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more bean would be too farty.
In college, I was so broke that I couldn’t afford to pay the electricity bill.
Those were the darkest days of my life.
A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter…
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "…and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir." the boy replied. "Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there." "Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!" "Really?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"
You really shouldn’t watch any horror movie today
It may, Fri 10 you.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?
it was dead
In my career as a lumberjack I cut down exactly 52,487 trees
I know because I kept a log
Archaeologists recently discovered a tomb
When they dug the remains up they saw that the skeleton had a fine layer of chocolate on it and after months of intense research they discovered that it was the remains of the famous Pharaoh Rocher.
I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday…
Now I have to wait all day to see it again):
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions…
Oh well, hindsight is 1
Why did nobody laugh when the king farted?
Noble gasses don't cause a reaction
How to die from falling down the stairs:
Step 1, Step 2, Step 4, Step 9, Step 22, Step 23,
In space, two aliens are talking to each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"
The King of Spain is now quarantined on his jet
The Reign in Spain will stay mainly on his plane.
How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
We’re just being respectful and ignoring your exposed skin
We’re just being respectful and ignoring your exposed skin
I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant.
But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby
Why are Canadians so good at sports?
They always bring their eh game
Two guys are sitting at a bar and both have black eyes
They laugh about the situation, and one guy says to the other, “What happened to you?” “Well”, he says, “I was at the airport and I go up to the counter to find this gorgeous, chesty woman working. And instead of saying, ‘Hi, I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said ‘Hi, I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’, and she punched me in the eye. What happened to you?”, he asks the other man. The second man replies, “I was sitting at the table with my wife having breakfast. I meant to ask her, ‘Honey, can you please pass the Post Toasties?’ But I accidentally said, ‘You’re ruining my life, you fucking bitch.’”
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.
I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.
Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge
Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge? Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge. Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.
I’ve run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead
The times are rough
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Still no toilet paper at the store today…
My dad said they’re wiped out
Why did the twin elephants have to leave the beach?
They only had a pair of trunks!
My friend sent me this and after 2 days of research I have no clue what it means
My friend sent me this and after 2 days of research I have no clue what it means
I started a dating site for older people.
OK Boomer Edit: well holy fuck 7 upvotes and I got my first gold. Not sure what I’ll do with it. But thank you kind stranger.
What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?
I’ve won, but at what cost?
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?" The man replies, " like a glove."
What did 50 cent do when he got hungry?
58. Edit: I genuinely didn’t know this was a repost my dad told it to me and I thought it was worthy.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A sailor is recruited onto a Pirate ship…
After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed. "Yarr, welcome aboard! Good to have you," The Captain tells the recruit. "Do ye have any questions for me?" "Well I was wondering…" the recruit started. "How did you get the peg leg?" "Arr, my leg was blown off by a cannonball during a naval battle. Any other questions, landlubber?" "Well how did you get the hook then?" the recruit asked. The Captain grimaced. "My hand was cut off by a sword in a terrible battle. Luckily I had a shot in me pistol… I hit him square in the eyes and dropped him dead." Impressed, the recruit asked the Captain one more question: "How did you get the eye-patch?" The Captain looked down, embarrassed. "A seagull pooped in me eye," he stated coldly. The recruit seemed surprised. "A seagull? That doesn't seem like it would cause you to lose your eye. Did it get infected?" "No," the Captain started. "It was the day after I got me hook…"
I love how earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Did my girlfriend find me sexually unsatisfying?
A small part of me says yes.
I just heard that Kim Jong-Un is sick
Guess that makes him Kim Jong-Ill now.
What’s the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving eachother a blowjob