A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do…he's in too far."
My sword doesn’t weigh much
It’s my light saber
What do you dip the worlds largest mozzarella stick in?
The Marinara Trench
I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.
Edit: 3 children Edit: 2 Edit: 1 Edit: 0
I always get confused between bowling and baseball…
But, to be fair, they have striking similarities
A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.
However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants. Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts. "The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who among you has the courage to claim your prize?" He announced. The men all took one look at the terrifying creatures and backed away. No one wanted to lose their life. Losing all hope, the king hung his head but that was when they all heard a big splash. And there, a man was swimming with all his might as he fended off the snapping jaws of deadly beasts. And miracle of miracles he made it to the other side with only a few scratches. "Congratulations stranger!" The king said. "Step up and claim your reward!" His beautiful daughter flashed him a smile but to everyone's shock the man merely shook his head. "If its not my daughter then surely you must want my riches?" Another head shake. " Tell me your prize and if it is in my power, I shall give it to you." "I only want to know one thing." The man said as he panted heavily. "Who the hell pushed me?"
A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says “I’m not going to leave my home, God will protect me”.
The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him. The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just then a National Guard boat comes by and tells him to get in. The man says "I'm not afraid, my God will protect me" and refuses to get in the boat. Eventually the National Guard is forced to give up and move on to help others. Then the man drowns. When he gets to the pearly gates he meets God and says "God, why didn't you protect me?" God sighs and says "I sent you the news, the police, and a boat. What fucking more do you want?!"
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me: “ok, this isn’t working out.”
Which vegetable likes to line up the most?
A queuecumber
You guys hear about the depressed plumber?
He’s going through a lot of crap right now.
Did you know that Iceland…
…is only one sea away from Ireland?
Why didn’t Dwayne Johnson’s downstairs neighbor recognize him?
Because he’s been living under a rock.
Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys?
Aisle B, back.
I should apologize to my toilet…
I gave it a lot of shit this morning (Long time stalker, heres my first dad joke!)
My mom gave me this mug as a going off to college present. Got called out by my textbook…
https://ift.tt/2VUSutr
I love to tell Dad jokes
But he never laughs at any of them.
I watched a documentary on mushrooms tonight.
I'll probably watch them all like that from now on.
Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal.
Started a new job where I test cat flaps with my toes.
I'm only doing it to get my foot in the door.
A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house..
A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house. To get him out of the house, they give him and ice pop and they tell him to sit on the front porch and shout out everything that he sees while they try to pull a quickie. Timmy starts to point everything out. “Mailman stopped by.” Timmy says. “The Andersons are getting new furniture” he calls out. “Jacob got a new bike” “Oh look. Kevin’s parents are having sex.” Timmy says. The dad shouts out from the bedroom, “how do you know they’re having sex?” Timmy replies “he’s sitting out on the front porch with a popsicle.”
I dig, you dig, we dig, they dig, he digs, she digs,
It’s not a beautiful poem but it is deep
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican
When the Pope answers the door, Dopey steps forward and nervously asks "Your Excellency, I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?" "No Dopey, I don't think there are," the Pope replies. The other six dwarfs start to giggle. "Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey persists. "No, none in all of Italy," the Pope answers more sternly. The dwarfs begin to laugh even more. "Are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?" This time the Pope is much more firm. "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." By now, the other dwarfs are laughing aloud. "Your Excellency," Dopey demands. "Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?" "No Dopey, " the Pope snaps. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world!" The six dwarfs start jumping up and down, chanting "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"
I don’t like people who take drugs
For example : airport security
No one is afraid of llama kisses, so why is everyone so worried about…
…the alpaca lips?
A guy walks into a library…
A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet." The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."
I don’t hate bread
I loaf it 🍞
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?”
The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits in your wife’s clothes
Wife was breastfeeding..
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in Me: yeah he is really milking it
“How much to buy a singing ensemble?” “You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”
What’s the difference between necrophilia and a choking fetish?
15 seconds, give or take.
A family of buffalo are sending their boy off to kindergarten. The teary-eyed mom is hugging her kid.
Dad just waves and says, "Bison".
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?” “Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.” “Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”
I got a letter from the President today! I knew exactly which quote to pair it with.
https://ift.tt/2QNcAUD
Trump, in a rare moment of candor, reveals his penis size to President Obama.
https://ift.tt/345zdY2
Did you hear about the mathematician that was afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them