AAAAAAAAAA
Wife hates husband, likes cat (sorry for the bad editing, had to translate improfessionally)
https://ift.tt/33B5PJY
This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.
I wish I could have read the signs.
I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad.
He always wanted to be a millionaire too.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
People asked me to stop naming Bruce Willis movies…
But you know what they say, old habits pulp fiction.
Do you know how I learned 8 x 8 = 64 ?
I ate, I ate and got sick on the floor.
You know what they say about a guy with big feet
They say "Sorry sir we don't have your shoe size"
What’s the best cheese to bait bear traps with
Cammom-bear! (sorry if ya heard this one already)
Heartbreaking
Dallas Morning News – A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Did you hear about the soldier that lost his legs?
They say he was defeated in battle
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?
400 Million dollars
RIP to his back. Looks like he got a tattoo of a bum who lives near a basketball court.
https://ift.tt/2GEHKrF
My half-brother is 6’5
Jeez, imagine if he were a full brother
I bought a wooden car today.
Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition. Wooden start.
One of my favourite words in the English language is “frequently”.
I try to use it as often as possible.
I suggested to the national park service we release clay pigeons back into the wild.
That idea was immediately shot down
Did you know centipedes have a faster top speed than humans.
They run at 100 feet a second
As I was racking up to shoot some pool with my son, he said, “Do you wanna break?”
I said, “We just got here. How lazy are you?”
Me: I think I have a crush on Beyoncé.
Her: Whatever floats your boat. Me: No. That’s buoyancy.
Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll.
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I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.
I told him "you're not going to find what you're looking for."
Today, I crossed the street, changed a light bulb, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I met an Asian guy at a party and asked him, “Are you Chris Chen?”
He said: No, my name is Daniel. Do all Asian guys look the same to you? Me: No. I meant, do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?
I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm
If you can’t come, let me know
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…..
…. when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he´s also a terrible driver"
An apology from the boss of the House of Illuminati
An apology from the boss of the House of Illuminati