What’s your address?
I’m pleased with my new fridge magnet
So far I've got 12 fridges
Yes programmers run too.
Scientists removed the right half of a man’s noggin…
Scientists removed the right half of a man's noggin and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's noggin, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "Look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one- believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten, okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
People keep saying today is Pi day
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
Boomer Humor in my school’s library
As soon as you find someone with 10,000 bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they’re a keeper.
What does the cow say:
Hahahaha haha ha ha ;_;
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I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn't putting in enough shifts
I guess this is ok..
A horse, chicken and a pig are out walking on a farm…
When suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole. The pig and chicken freak and they don’t know how they will get their friend out. So the pig and chicken run up to the farmers house and they bang on the door, no answer… again they bang on the door, no answer. In a fury the chicken busts down the door and grabs the keys to the Mercedes parked out front. Then the two of them grab some rope. The pig then drives down to the mud hole and attaches one end of the rope to the horse and the other to the bumper. The pig then pulls the horse out with the Mercedes. The next day, the three of them are walking again and the chicken falls into the same hole. The pig begins to say “I know what to do!” and begins to run back to the house, but the horse stops him and says “hold on, watch this”. The horse then steps over the mud hole and says to the chicken, “grab hold of my penis”. The chicken complies as he doesn’t want to die in the mud hole and grabs hold of the penis and the horse pulls him out. The moral of the story is, when you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
What’s the difference between a feminist and a grenade?
Grenade actually accomplish something when it triggers. EDIT : NOT FROM USA NOR WHITE
Sen. Mitch McConnell Responds to Calls to Recuse Himself from Impeachment Hearings
What is a porn stars favourite drink?
7-up in cider
technology is bad
“I code in html and css”
Why do riot police go to work early?
To beat the crowd.
Every year it costs more and covers less…
Never keeps his promises
Don’t you HATE it when people Capitalize words sTrAnGeLy?
I guess shift happens.
Qassem Soleimani is so popular today.
I mean he just blew up overnight.
Grandpa always keeps conversations fun.
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN…
You make them VERY ANGRY.
I had a talk about porn with my girlfriend.
"I don't get porn, why would you watch 2 people have sex?" she asked, then I reply "Two?" she looks surprised and I add "People?"
I asked my wife to dress as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
Glad y’all can retire.
The difference between o and O
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says : "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday , the judge asks the first guy : "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well , your honor , I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful . How did you do it ?" "I used a diagram , your honor . I drew two circles like this : Oo. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable ," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor , I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people.! How did you manage to do that?" "Well , I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this : oO. Then I pointed to the little circle and said : 'This is your asshole before jail"…
Grandma is waiting
So Tekashi69 could face life in prison
Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
Just started learning Java and I’ve found this masterpiece of a movie trailer.
Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.
"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course – I think the police are wonderful – but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?" "Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct." "What about if I were just to think it?" "No sir. You can think whatever you like." "In that case, I think you're a cunt."
The absolute worst :(
Covid 19 Neighborhood Post
Shocking When You Consider…
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
The bartender looks at him and says, “Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate goes, “Aye, it’s been driving me nuts!”.
I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a Doctor during sex
To satisfy my fetish of being able to afford medicare.
Unsure if posted before
Officer: “I’m sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.”
Man: "Yeah… But she's got a great personality!"
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors, they would be chicken sedans.
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
What video game system does Homer Simpson play?
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Why is Ivanka in the White House at all other than to suck daddy’s dick?
What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
It’s the Bohm.
This isn’t your grandson, happy for you though.
Legend says they never came back
The Government in Egypt has asked the city’s taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns…
It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality following the recent pandemic. Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer? Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the…" "I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now what the fuck would you say?"
You Bout to lose yo job
Modern kids with there consumer world view…
My wife asked me if I wanted kids…
I told her, no, but I wouldn't mind playing with the box they came in.
My girl asked me if I were to have a threesome which of her friends I’d choose.
Apparently I was only supposed to choose one…
I love wasting my time due to whitespaces
Yeah, so stop it
To be a nice guy
What do you call a Werewolf YouTuber?
My wireless keyboard isn’t working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
My grandma strikes again (young people in 90′. Young people in 2020
My daughter just looked at me funny when I farted next to her on the couch. She said it sounded like a duck. I replied with "Obviously, it came from my buttquack."
I asked a train engineer how many times he’s derailed the train.
He looked at me and said "I honestly don't know… It's hard to keep track".
Found on my local buy/sell page
Makes you wonder, how much RAM was needed to run that thing ?
Mr.hacker //open sound
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearable.
Why do stormtroopers only have iPhones?
They couldn’t find the Androids they were looking for.
A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.
The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries. "So…" he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?" "A shark bit off me leg." "And the hook?" "An enemy pirate cut off me hand." The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories. "What about the eyepatch?" "A seagull pooped in me eye." "A seagull caused that? How?" The bartender questioned. "Well, 'twas me first day with the hook…"