Aah, good for them.
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a new revolving chair. But then she sat on it.
Eventually she came around.
Hypothermia is the coolest way to die
No text found
I don’t trust elevators anymore.
They are always either up to something or letting you down.
Two ladies in heaven
1st woman: Hi Wanda! 2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I had a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So then what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic to search and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere in the house. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died,. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
A person asked me, “Aren’t you the guy who brags about weird stuff?”
I replied, "No, Im the guy who takes the longest baths in the city".
I had a gold fish who could break dance on a carpet.
… for 20 seconds. … And only once.
Dr: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Me: "AND?"
If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss
What does smoking marijuana do?
A man went to the funeral of his dear friend and asked the wife of the deceased to ask if he could say a word, to which she said: Yes. He said “Plethora”
She said "thank you, that means a lot"
3.14% of sailors are…
π-rates.
What is the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?
The former is a ladder, while the latter is a former.
I got so drunk last night
I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest…
A married Irishman went into the confessional…
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.” The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?” The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed, naked and rubbed together, but then I stopped.” The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.” The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that, You didn’t put any money in the poor box!” The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!” My mother told this joke… I dont know if its original
Cop on Horse
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car and begins to panic.
A passing soldier notices this, walks over and rolls his pants across the car. Magically, the car unlocks. The woman is relieved but puzzled, asking him how he did it. "That's easy. These are khakis."
It was easy to stop girls from eating Tide Pods.
It was harder to deter gents.
What follows two eyes?
Captain.
Did you hear about the mathematician’s son who hated negative numbers?
He stopped at nothing to avoid them.
I’m trying to write an unoffical Harry Potter book about Platform 9 and 3/4
But I feel like I'm hitting a wall
To the person who stole my glasses…
I will find you, I have contacts!
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
Me, at the hot dog stand: Can I get a jumbo sausage?
Hot dog guy: Sure. Won’t be long. Me: Yikes. In that case, can I have two?
Some people see ADD as a problem
I prefer to see it as a plus
Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022!
Cause 2022 is 2020 too.
New British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson
held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
… because Dawn is tough on Greece.
What do you call Nikki Minaj’s butt crack?
Silicon Valley.
My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I said Yes.
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
People say circumcision doesn’t hurt, but i have to disagree.
I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year. So check your facts.
An old pilot is telling some schoolchildren about his days in the airforce. He says, “so there were 3 fuckers to the right of me, 1 fucker behind me and 2 fuckers to my left”. The teacher interrupts, “you see children, the Fokker was a German plane”.
The pilot replies, "that may be, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts".
I heard my son’s first words today
"Dad where have you been?"
