Aah, the negotiator
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman
Customer: "cargo space?" Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads" Manager: " can I see you in my office?"
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
What does a frog do with a piece of paper?
Rip it! 6 year old son just came up with this. I'm sure he's not the first to think of it, but he came up with it on his own and i got a good chuckle out of it. 🙂
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends COP: What would you call that group? CROW: …I want a lawyer
He really pinned Jim Jordan on the mat here, & I don’t think he’s getting up.
https://ift.tt/2NMRNzn
Angry man comes to local bar with gun yelling:
-Which one of you fucked my wife??!! Some guy in the crowd says: – you should bring more bullets
Where does the neckbeard get his water?
The well, actually.
What rock group has four guys that don’t sing?
Mt. Rushmore.
So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19…
Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?
My wife said that I should start paying more attention to what’s going on around me.
I’ll try harder in 2018.
I’m worried my young daughter might have a future in crime. Today, she found a tree branch on the ground…
She immediately raised it above her head and said, “This is a stick up!” (Credit to my 2.5 year old- inspired by true events)
Someone stole my mood ring
Not sure how I feel about that
So there was this Mexican magician..
He said he could make himself disappear by the count of three. He said uno, dos and then POOF he vanished without a tres
I don’t think it’s going well for the calendar
Its days are numbered.
Bob the mailman
A couple of guys are at the bar. First guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's having an affair with Bob the mailman." "What?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?" "That's right," says the first guy. "Jesus," says his buddy. "Why would Bob the mailman want to fuck that?"
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit!?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says… Hair Spray — Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
"Are you having a crisis?"
Little Johnny at the nudist beach
Little Johnny and his parents decided to spent the day at the beach. He goes off to play in the sand only to return a few moments later. "Mom why are some women's breasts bigger than others?" To which his mom replied. "The women with bigger breasts are more silly" satisfied with this answer he goes off to play for a while longer. Later the boy asks why some men's penises are bigger than others, his mom tells him "Men with bigger penises are dumber" once again content Johnny goes off to play again. A while later he returns with a grin on his face and tells his mom, "Hey Mom Dad is talking to the silliest girl here and he just keeps getting dumber and dumber"
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
Heartbreaking
Dallas Morning News – A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.
The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees. “How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself. Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work properly. “Hmm, it looks okay,” says the server, and starts the chainsaw. The man jumps back in shock and cries, “What’s that noise?”
The teacher asks how you put 2 holes in 1 hole.
Nobody knows the answer so she puts her index finger and thumb together and places it over her nose. Little Johnny then asks the teacher "How do you put 6 holes in 1 hole?" She says she doesn't know. He says "You put a recorder up your pussy!" The teacher, surprised by this answer yells "Johnny! I do NOT tolerate such language in my class! Also, a recorder has 10 holes! Not 6!" Little Johnny says "Yeah I know but I didn't know you could fit it all the way in!"
Son: D-d-d
Dad: Aw, he is saying his first words. Son: D-dad, I'm fucking 30 and stop making fun of my stutter.
I once made a belt out of $50 bills
It was a waist of money
Happy Friday y’all
Happy Friday y’all
Too real
Too real
R Kelly is really changing the rap game
He takes the art out of rap artist
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do.
Have you heard the story of the Spanish magician?
He was on stage one day and said "Uno…dos…" and then he disappeared without a tres.
Would you calculate how many people you could afford to lose for unlimited breadsticks?
https://ift.tt/2Z5Ucvb
Over the weekend I took my wife to the theatre to see a performance that was all about puns.
It was a play on words.
When I heard that a cure for dyslexia had been discovered
It was like music to my arse
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
My dad’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk, just awful with crosswords.
A Mormon is seated next to an Irishman on a plane..
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US. Â After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." Â The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A Do-you-think-he-saurus
I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet
Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.