About as good as it gets
Bang bang
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?" The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car and begins to panic.
A passing soldier notices this, walks over and rolls his pants across the car. Magically, the car unlocks. The woman is relieved but puzzled, asking him how he did it. "That's easy. These are khakis."
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare.
My dad just got a tattoo of a Thermos on his palm…
Now whenever someone tries to shake his hand he says "Don't you dare touch my thermos tat!"
People say that dad jokes aren’t very clever.
But then I look back on the post that I have saved from a year ago that says otherwise.
Yo mama so fat
Before she was buried the earth was flat
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
Flying the Confederate flag doesn’t make you a racist.
It’s usually the other way around.
I adopted a dog that used to be owned by a blacksmith…
As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.
I used to have a fear of hurdles
But I got over it.
I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?
Because it had a bad driver! drops mic
I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office
“Can I help you?” He asked. “I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied. “You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.” “Yeah, I know.” He looked confused. “Then why are you here?” “The light was on.”
BK’s new commercial is questionable at best (I am never eating there again)
BK’s new commercial is questionable at best (I am never eating there again)
Why are electricians the best journalists?
They are always working on current events.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly squats
I proposed to my ex-wife.
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
Why did the cargo ship carrying vegetables sink?
It had too many leeks.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back
What did the lesbian vampire say to her date?
I’ll see you next month
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds
They’ve left no tern unstoned
My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan.
Its like I've never seen herbivore.
What do you call a police officer in bed?
An undercover cop.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas
She said, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace!" So I bought her . . . nothing.
My friend keeps saying, “If I wasn’t making drinks, I would be in jail.”
Currently he’s behind bars .
The nicest thing you could ever do for someone is define the word “bargain”.
It means a great deal.
About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil…
Don't even get me started on baby oil
