# About damn time…

## I was going to start an all cashew diet

But then I realized thatโs just nuts…

## My fiancรฉ thinks I have an unhealthy obsession with assassins creed

and if I wear my robes to the wedding sheโll leave me at the Altaรฏr

## A woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.

One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony. After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money. Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money. The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said: "I fucked her too."

## I canโt stand high frequency noises.

It Hertz my ears.

## Damn girl are you a reddit user?

Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!

## The UN decided to do a worldwide survey…

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

## Little Johnny

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.

## Went to church on Halloween

Turned out to be a blessing in disguise

## I finally found out what causes random out of place boners

Subliminal thots

## Jeff Bezos is getting divorced

He must have realised that marriage counted as a union

## this

No text found

## What’s the cheapest meat? Deer balls.

They're under a buck.

## If a woman sleeps with ten men sheโs a slut.

But if a man does the same thing, heโs gay. Like really gay.

## The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

## What do you call an army of babies?

An infantry.

## I tried to go left whenever I played Mario.

It was wrong on so many levels.

## “What do you wish to do in the future?” asks the teacher.

Pete: "I want to be a pilot" Tommy: "I want to be a doctor" Margaret: "I want to be a good mother" Frank: "I want to help Margaret"

## I failed a health and safety course yesterday. One of the questions was โin the event of a fire, what steps would you take?โ

โLarge onesโ was apparently the wrong answer.

## Why did the pencil get flushed down the toilet?

It was a #2!

## I’ve learned 99% of the English language.

I'm almost their.

## I would hate to have a gay dad

I would rather have two

## Mr and Mrs Wong were expecting their first child.

When the baby was born. Mr Wong was shocked to see it was white and not a bit Chinese looking. "No no no" he said "two wongs don't make a white"

## I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.

Hold on, it's 900. Edit: No, wait, it's 500.

## I heard about a cult that worships the number zero.

Is nothing sacred?

## I donโt like Civil War jokes

I General Lee donโt find them funny

## I come from a family of failed magicians.

I've got two half sisters.

## When I was little, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive..

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

## Iโve been happily married for ten whole years.

And ten out of thirty isnโt bad.

## Ban pre shredded cheese.

Make America grate again!

## I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if anyone had any porn sites they’d like to recommend other than:

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Thanks.

## Guys I really want to break up with my Jazz musician girlfriend but I can’t

The Sax is too good

## Today was terrible.

My ex got hit with a bus and I lost my job as a bus driver.

## A mother is concerned that her son isn’t making enough money on his own, so she asks what he will do for a living

And he says he won't have a real job, but he has found a legal loophole to take advantage of the sketchy business practices in his city; he discovered many of the repossession companies in his city didn't fill out the proper paperwork before taking a car away. So he would buy a new car on loan and intentionally not make the payments. When the repossession company would come, he would let them take it, and then threaten to sue them in court. He would rough himself up a little bit, and the company would settle outside of court; they would pay for the car to avoid getting a negative reputation. "That's smart son, but what makes you think you'll be successful here?" "That's easy. Repo sting for car, ma!"

## How do you cut the ocean in half?

With a sea saw

## When my grandfather died, we scattered his remains in the sea.

People at the beach started freaking out though, because we didnโt cremate him.

## Why do potatoes make great crime fighters?

Because they always keep their eyes peeled.

## A husband came home with half gallon a of ice cream

and asked his wife if she wanted some. "How hard is it?" she asked. "About as hard as my dick," he replied. "Pour me some."

## A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow

He now has a rare medium well done