Absolute madman
My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together, but I couldnβt open the file.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
Where does a poor italian live?
In Spaghetto
People who wear glasses must be excited for next year
It's the first time they'll see 2020
I believe that venison made from female deer should be classed as a form of bread.
After all, it's cooked doe.
This Sunday is Father’s Day
I just want to give a shout out to all you motherfuckers out there.
I know now why Trump wants to build a wall
It's been years since he managed to erect anything
The teacher asks a boy if he remembered the chemical formula of water, which she told them yesterday.
He replied β H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O! H to O!
just stole a tesla
now itβs called edison
What do you call a nose without a body?
Nobody nose!
I just realized my countertop is made of marble..
I have been taking it for granite all these years.
I just found a dead body in the street
So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow See how she fucking likes it !
I received a letter the other day saying my tax return was ‘outstanding’.
Although it's lovely to receive such high praise from HMRC, to be honest I can't even remember sending one in.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says … “I’m sleeping with the priest’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?”
The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to. Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest… "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says… βYou better hurry home now, my wife died a year ago"
A guy visits his favorite dominatrix
He puts his money on the bedside table and says βIβve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.β She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom. Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts. She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free. βDonβt worry, I can fix thisβ he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work. In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed. He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams. βGood as new, mistress!β She says βThis sub really loves reposts.β
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, βHave you read Marx?β
The other one replies, βYes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.β
Whatβs the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?
Usain bolt can finish a race
“I dropped my toothpaste!”
…exclaimed Dave, crestfallen.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
What room do ghosts avoid?
The living room
A thief pointed a knife at me and said “your money or your life”
I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.
Nurse: βMy phone just died.β
Doctor: βLetβs call it.β
Today a girl kissed me
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man,
So I stuck it in her ass and said, βYeah, you like that Steve.β
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
A man goes into a brothel
He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house." She says, "The worst…? For $100 you can have the best blow-job in the house!" He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3 Me: There you go. So, what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.
Do you know how to drive this thing?
Three Logicians walk into a Bar…
The waitress asks: "Does everyone want beer?" The first logician replies: "I don't know." The second logician says: "I don't know." Finally, the third logician answers: "YES, we all want beer!"
What does a Hawaiian Muslim say?
Aloha Akbar
You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile
by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Beethovenβs grave
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."