Absolute Savage XD
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He's now a seasoned veteran.
After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.
He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.” Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!” St. Peter said, “Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork… but sure. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back as a fish or as a hen.” Carl never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn’t be that bad after all. Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence. Carl replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.”The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh? How’s your first day here?”“Not bad,” replied Carl the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!”“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?” “Never,” said Carl.“Well, just cluck twice and then push.” Carl clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg! Carl was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. His joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Carl! Wake up. You’re shitting the bed!!!”
I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
I don’t care that i can’t scrape cheese.
I have grater problems to worry about.
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the nurse
"I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient." "Ok then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was the same size as a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she laughed at the mans penis, she composed herself as well as she could. "I'm so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen" She ran out of the room…..
What do you call a mummy with a cold?
I don’t know, Sir Cough I guess
I am an overachiever.
Overdraft…overfed…overtired..
A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.
He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools – Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father, "Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?" "Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to have any fun at all." "What about Hampden-Sydney?" "Well, it's an all guys school, so unless you're into that, I wouldn't be too confident." "Well, Alabama has to have something, right?" "Alabama!" the father says with a chuckle. "Well, at Alabama, I'd say your chances of getting laid are pretty relative!"
Dont worry if a tree tries to bully you…
They're all Bark and no bite
A dyslexic walks into a bra
No text found
Why don’t people talk much in Finland?
Because it’s hard to Finnish a sentence
Bows are really good weapons
Their only drawback is the string.
My girlfriend wants me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.
Boy, do I have some news for her.
It’s possibly not safe to drive my car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
I’m best friend’s with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don't know why
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.
[NSFW] Why did the eunuch’s wife leave him?
Honestly, he couldn't give a fuck.
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances
I said: "There's the door"
what do you call a poor part of a town in Italy
the spaghetto
Does someone recognize the icons in this video and understand what the hell is going on?
https://ift.tt/2XA3Raj
My daughter really changed a lot after becoming a vegan.
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
Where did captain hook buy his hook
The second hand store
Why is McDonald’s so exact about how many French fries they give you?
They operate on a shoestring budget.
With great reflexes comes great response ability.
No text found
What did the mummy say after his therapy session?
Thanks doc, it was so hard keeping all that under wraps
Every naked person I see turns me on
Said the shower head.
As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced “Ladies and Gentlemen don’t forget to adjust your watches to local time”
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
My dog ate my computer science homework
It took him a couple of bytes
Well… Well… Well…
If it isn't 3 holes in the ground…
I wish I could be ugly for just 1 day
Because being ugly every day sucks… 🙁
Amazing Team Player
The interviewer calls the candidate for the interview. The candidate enters and gives his resume. The interviewer takes a look and mentions that he is going to peruse through it. The interviewer starts reading through the projects and sees that he single-handedly led all his teams. He commends him on the same. He looks again and sees that one of his main characteristics is a good team player. He is confused and asks him "It says here that you are a team but you single-handedly led most teams. Isn't that contradictory?" The candidate smiles and says "If everyone in the team likes to work with me, I am a good team player, right?" The interviewer says "Yes" "Well, I am the only person on the team and I like working with me"
