“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing
…except at a funeral
I don’t trust people who draw…
They always seem sketchy.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture
Why is your nose in the middle of your face
Because its the scenter
Why is it called a paternity test
and not a pop quiz?
A guy is talking to a girl
A guy is talking to a girl : "Everytime I see your smile, I want to take you to my place" "Oh ! You think I'm pretty ?" "No, I'm a dentist."
A Japanese tourist went into an American bank to exchange some Yen for Dollars..
He handed the teller 10,000 Yen and the teller returned him $90. Confused, the Japanese man said "last month I exchanged 10,000 yen and received $100. Why today only $90?" The teller replied "Fluctuations" "Oh yeah? Fluck you Yankees too!" retorted the Japanese man
My girlfriend wants me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.
Boy, do I have some news for her.
You shouldn’t fart in an Apple store,
They don't have Windows…
[National dad conference]
Speaker: I'm glad you could all make it Whole crowd: in unison hi glad you could all make it We're dad Speaker: *Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trappedβ¦
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse. "That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!" The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"
You can drop an ant in water to determine its sex
If the ant sinks – girl ant If the ant floats – boy ant
My mom’s sister works in a bakery and is always in a bad mood.
She's my cross aunt.
Someone told me my clothes were gay
I said "I know. They came out of the closet this morning."
My son asked me, βDad, what are condoms used for?β
Me: Usually to avoid answering such questions.
βDid you take a shower, Dad?β
βWhy, is there one missing?β
When your trying to discuss school with your dad.
I'm 19 years old and I major in Biology at SDSU. I was talking to my dad at Easter about an essay I'm writing. It is on the extracellular matrix, basically everything in the space between two or more cells, I thought it was going all right until he started laughing at literally nothing. Me: "Whats so funny?" Him: "I have a joke okay?" Me: "Okay?" Him: "What do prisoners study?" Me: "What?" Him: "Cell Walls." Basically thats my life.
What’s the difference between choking fetish and necrophilia?
About 15 seconds
Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they’re going to pay.
You have my word
What’s Forest Gump’s password?
1Forest1
Genie: I will grant you two wishes.
Guy: two? Itβs always three, right? Genie: look at your crotch. Guy: Damn, thatβs a huge dick. Genie: Iβve been doing this for centuries. Youβre welcome.
I didnβt eat anything other than brown bread for dinner…
That was my wholemeal…
Why does Karl Marx write in lowercase?
He hates capitalism
I was adopted. My father found me on a poker table.
He said "I see you and I raise you."
Why canβt a man starve in the desert?
Because of all of the sand which is there.
How do you tell if noodles are old?
If theyβre pasta expiration date.
My 8yo son hit me with this one tonight before bed: “Why did the minnow cross the ocean?”
"To get to the other tide." I'm too young to be a grandfather!
Welcome to invisibility class
Disappointing to see so many of you here
Bad knock-knock joke #4
Knock knock. Whoβs there? Amish.Β Amish who? You're not a shoe, you freaking idiot.
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?
They both slowly remove clogs.
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4". The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4. Principal: What is 3+3? Boy: 6. Principal: 6+6. Boy: 12. The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed. Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2? Boy: Legs. Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have? Boy: Pockets. Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut. Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky? The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge Boy: Bubble gum. Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. Boy: Tent. The principal was looking restless. Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?. Boy: Wedding ring. Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good? Boy: Nose. Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver. Boy: Arrow. Principal: OH MY GOD. Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand? Boy: Fork. Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage? Boy: Surname. Principal: Ohooo! Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love? Boy: Heart. Principal: Eeeeeh! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"