Absolutely unnecessary
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes. "Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," he replied gruffly. "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. "Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes."
What do you call a paralysed gay man?
A tomato, because most people will look at him and see a vegetable, but he's really a fruit.
Lent is the best time of the year to run a marathon.
Because that's when you fast.
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing
I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me “Do you need help?”
I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"
A penguin is driving his car
A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just vanilla ice cream."
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster
but it just made it more sluggish.
In all my years working at the Land Rover factory…
I made several discoveries
My wife and I bought a water bed recently but ever since then…
…we’ve drifted apart.
Why did the hipster fall in the lake?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c
Because you can't see in the dark
Why do riot police arrive early to the protests?
… so they can beat the crowds!
My mom’s sister works in a bakery and is always in a bad mood.
She's my cross aunt.
Monsters aren’t usually good at math
Unless you count Dracula.
Masturbation is like buying IKEA furniture.
At first, it sounds like a great idea. But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.
What do you call a pen that isn’t moving?
Stationary.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
Ok boomer bad. Ban good.
This sub is for comics that display boomer humor. It is not an ok boomer sub or boomer reaction sub. Violators will be temporarily banned.
You really shouldn’t watch any horror movie today
It may, Fri 10 you.
3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.
After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info. Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info. Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell. The 2 other spies asked him “How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy!” The Italian replied: “I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.
My teacher told me I would never be any good at Poetry because of my dyslexia….
But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug.
At dinner, my parents told me that they always thought about having another child.
I said, “I would have loved to have a brother or a sister.” They said, “That’s not what we meant.”
What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer?
The serial killer might listen if you plead with them
What’s brown and sticky?
A Stick
Argentina is kind of cold this time of year…
In fact, it’s borderline Chile.
A man attempted to kill me in my own house last night…
Luckily I was in my living room.
Percy Jackson, son of the sea God. Did not do well in school.
His grades were below C level.
Will glass coffins be popular some day?
Remains to be seen.
What do you call an exploding duck?
A firequacker
Wanna hear the 3 main types of people?
The ones that can count 2. The ones that can’t count