Abusing the privilege
There are 10 kinds of people…
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
Its not anal bleaching
It's changing your ring tone
Never marry an archaeologist
They're always digging up the past.
A superhero arrives in a village.
The mayor of the village approaches him, clearly in distress. The superhero asks the mayor: "What's going on?". The mayor replies with: "We've got a monster nearby that's taking a virgin woman to eat every two days! Please, can you help us defeat it?". The superhero agrees and gets to work. Two weeks later the monster dies of starvation.
When two ginger people conceive a child…
the child could technically be considered ginger-bred.
What’s the fastest liquid on earth?
Milk. Its pasteurized before you can see it
My dads best one yet
My family were on vacation and we were going on a hike. We had been walking for a little over an hour when my sister she had something in her shoe that was bothering her. She asked us to stop so she could take it out and my dad excitedly agreed. I was super confused as to why he seemed so excited, so I stopped as well. My sister sat down, took off her shoe, and my dad gasped dramatically. “Oh my god! There was a foot in your shoe.” He proceeded to laugh himself to tears, while I laughed at his reaction to his own dad joke.
Why did the dog say “meow”?
he was bilingual
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Do you know why the say “be there or be square?”
Because you're not around.
FINALY, my clock-fetish sex tape arrived in the mail…
…it's about fucking time.
I finally found out why Nurses Cary red crayons
Incase they have to Draw blood.
Did you know? The wheel was invented in 3,500 BC.
It caused quite the revolution back then.
What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?
A manhole cover
Having gay parents must be really difficult.
Either twice the Dad jokes or an infinite loop of “Go ask your mom”.
Do you know the worst thing about the fire in Paris?
There's Notre Dame thing we can do about it
Did you hear about the Utah National Guard’s new IMI-made .44 Magnum?
It's called the Deseret Eagle.
What do you call a headless duck?
A duck that didnt duck
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
I met a strange man the other day really trying to sell me the health benefits of inhaling helium.
He spoke very highly off it.
My sister: Wow dad, you smell good
Dad: I know, it’s because I use both of my nostrils
It’s weird how nobody knew who the Iranian general Soleimani was a few days ago…
It's like he blew up overnight.
Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks, tell them it's 12345678
What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?
Vector quantitties
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.
Hope it’s not terminal.
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
Someone tried to attack me yesterday so I threw a table at them
it was a counter-attack.