Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don’t need glasses any more.
Heinz-sight is 20/20
As a muffler specialist, I replied, "I'm the one that's really exhausted."
A man is drinking at a bar. He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He turns to the bartender and goes, "I'm in trouble now. If my wife discovers I've been drinking again, she'll kill me." The bartender says, "Don't worry, here's what you do. You take a ten dollar bill, and put it in your shirt pocket. Then you go to your wife and say some other guy got so drunk he puked on you, but he felt sorry about it and gave you ten dollars to have your shirt cleaned." So the drunken guy agrees to give it a try. He goes back to his wife and tells her that a drunk guy puked on his shirt then gave him ten dollars to have it cleaned. The wife looks and says, "He gave you twenty dollars." The guy replies, "Oh I forgot. He also shit in my pants."
It is comparing apples to origins.
“Hm, that’s a good question, son. I think I have an idea.” “Okay, dad. What is it?” “You should post a story about an old man tying balloons to his house to fly away and a Boy Scout joining him as they float down to South America.” “Why would I post that, dad?” “Because then when people like it, you’ll get a lot of Up votes.”
But I never met herbivore.
The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting… I'm going to put it in the living room."
So the Bar tender says “Hey man, whats with the wheel?” so the Pirate tells him “Arrrr, its Drivin’ me nuts!”
In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived. Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black. Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank, where it’s feared staff may get a raw deal.
“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.” So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding. The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down. Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm. “Well, how do you like that!” exclaims the father. “He’s going to be a politician!”
I get scared just thinking about it!
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this, and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
It’s an extremely rare dish order…
It's the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
We’ll see about that…
Husband: “Ok… but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high”
He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake. "Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said. So the father visited a ton of different bakeries and did research, but found the prices to be too high. My daughter is inviting all of her friends, and I'll look bad if I don't put together a good cake, he thought. Then, he stumbled upon a shop that opened once a year to provide free cake to its customers. How quaint, the father thought, but desperate, he walked inside to see if they could provide a cake for his daughter's birthday. He was met by a Buddhist monk chanting and lighting incense. "Hello," the father asked, "I would like to buy a cake." "Of course," the monk replied, "just draw a picture of the cake you would like on the notepad on the desk." The father thought this to be weird, but wanting to save as much money as possible, he gave him the address and told him to come in the backdoor, just in case the cake was bad. The day of the party arrived and the monk visited the house with the most extravagant cake the family had ever seen. All of the guests were in awe, and whispered to each other about how much the cake could have costed. The monk became the guest of honor and at the end of the party, the father approached the monk and asked, "Why do you do this for free? You should take money for your services!" The monk smiled and said, "I do this for free because a cake day is the best way to earn karma."
A polar bear
Because of their antybodies
Thanks to him I did 89 push ups in 10 seconds.
Dragon 1: It’s a bit hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel’s hair isn’t chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.
She said: "Thanks dad, that means a great deal."
And suddenly a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants (who frequents r/AskReddit) notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and all say, “I’m not a doctor, but….
Add btomine to uranium and hydrogen to get Br2UH ITS BRUH CHEMICAL