Accomplices
My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
How does a train eat?
Chew Chew
I never believed my friend would steal from his job as a road worker
but then I started to see the signs
If we make it past 2020, I’ll be dreading 2022.
After all, 2022 is 2020, too!
What kind of bird doesn’t have babies
A swallow
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
what’s hilarious is that most people think we dont need to bring back the guillotine. ha.
https://ift.tt/2DqU4KM
Since it started raining my wife just stares sadly through the stupid window …
If it gets any worse, I guess I’ll have to let her in.
To the people who don’t cover their mouths when they cough.
You make me sick.
How does a Flat Earther travel the world?
On a plane!
What i If told you:
You read the title wrong.
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
What do you call a small mother ?
A minimum
Got a new phone, and I went straight to my lawyer’s office.
He's helping me build a case to avoid damages.
Why did the tomato lose the race?
Because she couldn't ketchup
What did you learn at school today?
Not much. Apparently I need to go back tomorrow.
I’ve always wanted one of these on my car
No text found
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."
After I broke my arm, my buddy wrote down all of my homework assignments on my elbow cast.
It really classed up the joint.
Horse with a horn or a 40-foot neck leopard thing? You decide
Horse with a horn or a 40-foot neck leopard thing? You decide
I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.
She said it's in case she has to draw blood.
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!
Me: Wait, I can explain everything!
What’s so good about Shrek?
It's just a mediogre movie.
nothing tops a plain hotdog
No text found
Two guys are in a bar. One had too much to drink and pukes all over himself.
“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!” His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine – just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.” “Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. Wife sees him and says “ohh honey look what you’ve done! You’ve been sick everywhere! I can’t believe you got this drunk.” “Noo”, the man says, “it was someone else and look, to prove it there’s ten dollars in my shirt pocket from the guy who did it to go get it cleaned.” “But there’s twenty dollars in here…” she points out “I know,” he says, “he also shit in my pants.”
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
Got fired from my job at the coffee factory
Boss said it was because I had no filter
(NSFW) What is the difference between love, true love, and just showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.