According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a person’s aura changes to cyan before they die.
Cyan-aura.
Yoghurt
On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater." She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt…" I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."
You can accuse virgins of a lot of things
But when it comes to relationships, they ain't fucking around.
If I got a nickel for every time I had sex
My pimp would beat my ass
Some people think the cost of wigs is too high
Personally, I think it’s a fair price toupee.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed…..
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room…. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses……. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?" "I remember that, too" she replied softly… He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
Did you hear about the dyslexic satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
The light bulb comes on for a very stable genius with a good brain, probably the best brain
https://ift.tt/2vQx8UT
I met this sexy girl in a club tonight and told her she reminded me of my little toe. Giggling, she asked, “Why?! Is it because I’m small and cute!?”
"No…" I said. "It's because later, I'm gonna bang you hard on my coffee table."
A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, “Giraffe, don’t smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest.”
The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along. Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The rabbit says to the sheep, "Mr sheep, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest." The sheep looks at the heroin, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the heroin. The sheep tossed his needle aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along. Soon they come to a clearing, and in this clearing is a tiger. Now, this tiger is about to drink a can of beer. The rabbit looks at the tiger and says, "Mr tiger, don't drink beer. Alcohol is a drug and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest." The tiger looks at his beer, looks at the rabbit, and back his beer. He takes a claw and cracks open the beer and proceeds to carefully place it down beside him. He gets up and walks over to the rabbit, lifts up a paw, and starts mauling the shit out of this rabbit! The giraffe and sheep are in shock. And they say, "Dude, what the fuck? He was just trying to help you!" The tiger turns to them and say, "Every time that fucking rabbit does cocaine, I end up running through the fucking forest!"
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at childbirth before….
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
[Introducing My girlfriend to my family]
Me: This is my girlfriend Janine Janine: Hi Wife: What the fuck
What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.
“Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" “Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. “Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally built up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." “That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." “Sensible" says Jeff. “So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." “And what happened then?" “I kicked her in the face."
What do you call a doctor who is always on call?
An oncologist.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code
My book on clocks finally arrived
It’s about time!
My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus. It was terrible
No text found
(NSFW) What is the difference between love, true love, and just showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling
I’m an unapologetic Canadian
I'm sorry, I just am
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
After my memory loss, I couldn’t remember the other word for ‘couch’.
I've been having a hard time recalling it sofa.
My Wife wore a “Vaccines cause autism” shirt
She was insulted, punched and spit on Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!
I really owe a lot to sidewalks.
They've been keeping me off the streets for years.
Did you hear about the new radio station?
W-I-F-E They tell you what to do all day long!
If Satan ever loses his hair…
…there will be hell toupee.
If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man…
…my super power would be foiling crime.
I asked my mom “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. That probably explains why her marriage failed.
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It's not a long poem, but it's deep.
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye
Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit
My wife always takes a run right after we have sex
Some people… You give them an inch and they take a mile
My wife said to me that if I got her another stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it…
So I bought her a candle…