According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
A new strain of lice is going around that is resistant to conventional treatments.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
Did you hear about the the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere
Dust
[Removed]
A guy and a girl are going to prom together.
She wants a new dress, so they spend time shopping for the dress and he stands in line for the checkout for a very long time, but eventually makes it to the counter to buy the dress for her. She also asks for a corsage, so the guy goes to the floral shop to buy her a corsage. The line is very long but eventually he is able to purchase her a corsage. She asks to take a limo, and so the guy goes to rent a limo but the line is really long to rent a Iimo. Eventually he pays for the limo and they go to the prom together. When they get to the school, there's a line to get in, and after waiting awhile they're finally at the prom. She asks if he would go get her some punch, so he goes over to the table and there's no punch line.
My pet spider died so I went to the pet shop for a new one. They were so expensive.
Fortunately, I got one free off the web.
I proposed to my ex-wife.
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
There are 6.02×10^23 guacas in a guacamole,
Which is also known as avocado’s number
Our pet duck keeps biting everyone, so I bought a cheap muzzle for it.
Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
I guess that's why I'm always reposting.
I was explaining to my son how a baton is used in relay races, and he understood right away.
I gotta hand it to him.
I can cut wood just by staring at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.” He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?” The Jew replies, “Look in the Arab’s back pocket…”
Ever since my son started swallowing money
I noticed some real change in him
I got bored watching the earth turn…
So after 24 hours, I called it a day!
I got kicked out of karaoke after singing “Danger Zone” nine times in a row.
Too many Loggins attempts.
What’s the difference between your life and a pencil?
The Pencil has a point.
Three drunk guys walk into a brothel…
The madam sees them and tells the girls, “just use blow-up sex dolls, they are so wasted they won’t know the difference”. So the three guys find themselves in their rooms with a girl, so the deed, and walk out. The first guy says, “those girls were odd”. The second says, “yeah, I wonder if they were dead, cause no matter what I did, she didn’t move.” The third guy says, “no way, I think they were witches!” Both other guys stopped at this, shocked, and ask, “what? Why do you think they were witches?” The third guy replies, “because when I bit her ass, she farted on my face, and flew out of the window…”
Why don’t balloons do drugs.
If they get to high they'll get busted
When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that’s a popular cemetery?
Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?
You have to be asleep or they can't come.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh!
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
Joke
An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?” – The friend replies “Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”
I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”
He said, “You have a wee cough?” I said, “Really? Thanks boss, see you next week!”
What’s the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving eachother a blowjob
A man goes to his boss and says, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!”
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off.” When the man returned to work the next day, his boss came to his desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy Or a girl?” “Not sure,” said the man, “but I’ll let you know in about 9 months.”
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing