According to Morgan Freeman, we’re in the clear.
I was going to study Nietzsche’s philosophy.
Then I just thought, it's meaningless.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill.
Looks like she is preparing some kind of barbie queue.
Why are there two d’s in reddit?
The second one is a repost.
When I get into the shower naked
The shower gets turned on.
People keep saying today is pi day
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
People have called me a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
The other day I was asking the bartender for the WiFi password
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
A young lad is tending a bar in a Western saloon, when a red-faced man barges in.
"Quick, everyone!" the man shouts. "Big Frank is coming!" A panic ensues. Chairs are thrown as people try desperately to be the first to leave. One mother just drops her baby on the floor, picks up her skirts, and runs. Several people are badly injured, but eventually the young lad is the only one left. He decides to stay. If he beats this so-called Big Frank, he'll be a hero. After waiting for a solid hour, he finally hears a horse's hooves on the ground outside. Soon, the largest man he has ever seen is squeezing through the door. He has an enormous moustache and a smell that almost makes the young lad throw up. "Gimme a whiskey!" bellows the man. Trembling, the lad pours the man a drink. He knocks it back in one gulp. "Gimme another!" The lad ends up giving the man nine drinks, after which the man still looks totally sober. "Another!" he yells. "You– You have to pay for the drinks you've already had," stutters the lad. The man stares the lad right in the eye. "I'll make you a deal, kid. Let's arm wrestle. If you win, you get everything I own. If I win, I get as many free drinks as I want." "D– Deal," he replies, staring at the man's disgustingly huge muscles. After a long struggle, the lad somehow finds the strength and motivation in him to beat the huge man. They're both in shock, but the big man eventually says, "Alright, kid. All my land and possessions are yours." "Gee, thanks!" says the young lad. I'll be a legend when I tell everyone about this! he thinks. The man says, "Here's your money. I should get going anyway. Aren't you coming?" "No. Why would I?" "Jesus Christ kid, haven't you heard?! Big Frank is coming!!"
![why santa might be a republican [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/2xji7kgfnl641-400x369.jpg)
There was a kidnapping at school
Don't worry, he woke up
I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.
I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says…
"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder and asks, "Honey, please…just one more time, before I die." She says, "Of course, dear." and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could…" At this point, the wife sits up and screams, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning…YOU DON’T!!!"
When the documentation you are reading refers you to the documentation of another library
https://ift.tt/3cbyDNI
Where does Elsa order her sandwiches?
The arenDeli.
What do you call a stupid fish?
A dumBass
Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.
In the end you ignore it all and just click "I agree"
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so …….
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up … you're next!"
I made $60.25 sucking dicks last night
Dude 2: lol, who gave you the quarter? Dude 1 : they all did.
A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? " The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 15 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "oh thank God, I thought you said turn around."
Walking through the mall with my 9 yr old and a kiosk saleswoman waves a sample of lotion and asks ‘A gift for your daughter?’
I said 'No, thank you' and then looked down at my daughter and said 'Can you believe she thought I'd trade you away for just a tiny bit of lotion? I'd need a whole bottle, at least!' She thought that was pretty funny.
Three construction workers are sitting down on a beam of a skyscraper to eat their lunch…
First guy says, "Tuna fish on rye again? I tell ya. If that bitch makes me tuna fish on rye again tomorrow, I'm just going to jump off this building and kill myself!" Second guy says, "Leftover meatloaf for the third day in a row! If I gotta eat this crap one more day, I'm just going to jump off this building and end it all!" Third guy says, "Bologna sandwiches again! Yuck! If I gotta eat this shit one more time, I'm just gonna jump." The next day, the first guy opens his lunch. He sees it's a tuna on rye, and he yells, "FUCK!!!" and he jumps off the building and splatters on the street below. The second guy opens his lunch box. "Goddamn meatloaf again! That's it!" And he leaps to his death as well. Splat! The third guy opens his lunch box. "FUCK!" he says. "Bologna! Goodbye, world!" And he steps off the girder too. A moment later, he splatters on the street below. At the funeral, the widows are sobbing and crying to the heavens. "Oh, Joe! If you'd only you'd told me you didn't like tuna fish! I would have made you something else!" And she breaks down, inconsolable. The second widow tears at her shirt. "Bill! Dear sweet Bill! Why didn't you tell me you hated meatloaf so much! I had a fridge full of cold cuts of all types!" And she collapses to the floor, heartbroken. Everybody looks at the third widow, sitting there knitting all by herself. She looks up and realizes they're staring. "Don't look at me," she says. "That idiot packed his own lunches."
I told my wife, “I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.”
She said, “Where would you find the time?” I said, “That should be easy. Next to the sage.”
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
I asked my grandmother how she’s enjoying her new stairlift…
She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”
My wife was furious at me for kicking ice-cubes all over the kitchen…
But now it’s just water under the fridge…
