Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.
Looks like I’m in for a wild December.
Why are French omelettes so small?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery
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[Warning]: 18+
19.
What did the lesbian vampire say to her date?
I’ll see you next month
What does a janitor and a car have in common
They both go broom broom
Anti vaxx joke
When little Timmy went to school and mastered one to nine, he thought the other kids were cool and every class Devine. He painted shapes red and blue and he drew in curves and bends. And when the day was over he made 100 friends! I’m Pals with Pete Mike and Max he told his pa with pride, but Timmy’s folks were anti-vaxx and then he fucking died.
A guy accidentally says another girls name during sex
One day, Matt is fucking his girlfriend, Sarah, in his apartment, after they both spent some time together. They're both passionately going at it, and look into each others eyes, and as Matt is about to climax he yells "Ohhh, Angela!" Sarah instantly stops, and gives a sharp cold look, and shouts "WHO THE FUCK IS ANGELA?" Matt, realizing that he just said another girls name during sex, tries to cover it up with an excuse, and replies "Oh? You don't know what "Angela" means? Haha its a newer slang term, which means 'here I come, take my load!'" Sarah gives a puzzled look, and forgets about it in the moment as they continue to cuddle in bed. The next day, Sarah meets up for the first time with a group of girls at her dorm, and meets Rose, and they have a good time and slowly become friends. After hesitating for a while, Sarah casually asks, "Hey, do you know what Angela means? Something boys are starting to say more often?" to which Rose replies, "no, not really." Sarah continues to say that it means "here I come, take my load!" Rose, confused, looks back at her and says: "I heard that's what "Sarah" means?"
I’ve been asked out by 20 women today…
I was in the ladies bathroom.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
Apple really is the most futuristic company out there
They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!
My five year old son was playing in the garden…
When he sees 2 spiders. He asks me, "Is that a mummy longlegs under that daddy longlegs?" No son, there is no mummy longlegs only daddy longlegs." I felt pretty proud of my answer, until he stomps on both spiders saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden"
I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.
He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
The New Year’s celebration at Times Square was pretty disappointing.
They really dropped the ball this time.
I WRITE ALL MY PUNS IN CAPITALS
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN OSLO!
If you work for Starbucks, and are caught stealing beans…
It's grounds for dismissal.
I just saw my friend accidentally take Viagara when he meant to take Ambien.
He’ll be up all night.
What do you call a female rapper?
38.5 Cent
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside
Did you hear about the monkeys Who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) bring me the one my wife made
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience
The second time let me down
How do tree nuts usually end their prayers?
They said "Almond."
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere, how can you say the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside when you heard someone coming… that was me"
Classic joke for our Muslim friends today
There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do. As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''. So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'. The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink. Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan)
We were going to have chicken for supper, but ended up having rabbit.
It was a game changer.
The other day I gave up my seat to an older blind lady
And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
A man in court says, “I’m not saying anything without my lawyer present.”
Cop: "But you are the lawyer…" Lawyer: "Exactly, So where's my present?"