It makes my day
He calls them Mother and Motherfucker.
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: “For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of three…”
"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
In the riverbank
I heard they’re gonna give them a really tough sentence
The women plan to buy another one, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
I’m planning to get down with the kids.
She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.
No one listened. But he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
Me: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. Friend: Seriously!? Who!? Me: Uh, I can't remember… I think her name was Reese something? Friend: WITHERSPOON!!?? Me: No, it was with a knife…
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks ‘Why is the last one so cheap?’
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Especially because his name’s Steve.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta
you say it in a British accent.
He handed the teller 10,000 Yen and the teller returned him $90. Confused, the Japanese man said "last month I exchanged 10,000 yen and received $100. Why today only $90?" The teller replied "Fluctuations" "Oh yeah? Fluck you Yankees too!" retorted the Japanese man
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
It really classed up the joint.
me: No, I kinda just lie there. wife: THIS- [takes off doctor costume] this is why we never role play anymore!
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
… but she got really upset at me when I actually brought her one.
Apparently you needed to be a complete dick.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
So I started practicing my chess skills the other day. I've played against myself over 100 times! I'm pretty sure it's working! I haven't lost a single game yet