Actually kind of funny. NSFW.
Yo mama so fat
We are all concerned for her health, Kevin.
Every morning I get hit by the same bike
It's a vicious cycle…
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
In college, I lived in a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
What did one nut say as he chased another nut?
I'm a cashew!
I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.
I canβt believe Iβve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
I saw my nephew after a long time, and said βWow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last!β
He said, βNo. I still have two.β
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?
A fish stick! My 4 year olds first joke.
My wife is mad at me for not having a sense of direction
So i packed up and right.
I, for one
Like roman numerals.
I love the way the earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
A bad workman always blames his foolsβ¦
Tools!! I meant tools!! Stupid keyboardβ¦
My wife told me that she hates revolving doors and is afraid that sheβll get stuck in them.
I said, βYouβll come around eventually.β
What bird never knows the lyrics to a song?
A hummingbird!
Why do Navy ships have barcodes on them?
So you can Scandinavian.
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin.
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
I got a job as a bullet…
I was fired immediately.
βDad, Iβm so happy! I got a B in reading!β
Dad: Thatβs a D, idiot.
At first, I wasn’t so sure about keeping a beard, but
It has grown on me
There will be a baby boom in 9 months.
And in 2033 we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens!!!
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, βWhatβs going on?β βYou tell me?β replied my wife. I said, βI donβt know, youβre sitting on the sofa with a stranger.β βA stranger, hey?β shouted my girlfriend, βIβm no stranger, weβve been having sex for six months!β I looked at my wife and said, βIs this true?β
Why is the dark side of the moon dry?
Because the other side has all the moonshine
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before”. So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.
As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm… That was some good lion meat!" The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away. Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
What do you call an ugly dinosaur?
An eyesaur
Guy gets accidentally shot by the celebratory fire for his release from prison
https://ift.tt/2VvYDMp
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent
Stan lee
Its sad he died but at least he lived a marvelous life
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. “My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy.” The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy’s nervousness builds, but he then asks:
"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
What breed of dog leaves permanent paw prints?
A Sharpei π
I saw a sign outside the gym that said “OPEN 24/7”
I thought, "How useless is that? July is ages away."
What is GEN Z’s least favorite toy?
a BOOMERang. Ha.
How to tell if your rich
When a cop pulls you over, he tells you a joke.