Actually…
Several scientists were all posed the following question: “What is 2 * 2 ?”
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces, “3.99” The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces, “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02” The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces, “I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!” Philosopher smiles, “But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?” Logician replies, “Please define 2 * 2 more precisely.” The sociologist, “I don't know, but is was nice talking about it.” Behavioral Ecologist, “A polygamous mating system.” Medical Student, “4” All others looking astonished, “How did you know ?” Medical Student, “I memorized it.”
A joke my second grade teacher used to tell
Every Friday after school, a young boy named Timmy would go to the corner store for an after-school treat. There would always be a group of rowdy older boys loitering outside the store. Every time Timmy came by they'd pull him aside. The leader would reveal a dollar in his left hand and a quarter in his right, and tell Timmy to take one. Timmy would always take the quarter, leading the boys to laugh and make fun of him. The store owner, after watching this happen for week after week, finally took Timmy aside one day and explained to him that a dollar was worth more than a quarter, which is why the boys were laughing at him. Timmy replied, "I know. But if I took the dollar, they'd stop. So far I've made fifty bucks."
The Secret Service are no longer allowed to say “Get down Mr. President!”
Now they have to yell "Donald, Duck!"
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
A Russian group I’m in keeps posting trash like this and reposting it 999 times
https://ift.tt/2xQdrxx
What do antioxidants and dictators have in common?
They both eliminate free radicals.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…
…you need to let that mango
Sometimes I’ll order a pizza without any toppings…
When I'm feeling saucy.
I tried to impress a bunch of people at a party by playing my guitar, but nobody took any notice.
They just frowned and moved to another part of the silent disco.
You know what jokes are trendy these days ?
Inside jokes.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
Someone: “If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should’ve been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19”
My response: "144? That's a gross"
Dad cooks deer for dinner and doesn’t tell the kids…
He gives them a clue. “It’s what your mom calls me!”. The son yells, “it’s a fucking dick don’t eat it!”
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
Where do drunk sea flowers go?
Alcoholics Anemones
“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.
No text found
Halloween Party (NSFW)
A young lady was invited to a Halloween party, and upon arrival she notices a man wearing nothing but a glass jar on his penis… Intrigued, she approaches the man and asks what he's dressed as. "A fireman" he replies "Fireman? How so? You're only wearing a glass jar." She says "Exactly. Break the glass, pull the knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
The shortest sentence is ‘I am.’
The longest sentence is ‘I do.’
A man had been drinking all night…
A man had been drinking all night at a bar before puking all over his shirt. “Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So he goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok…then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
My friend told me he was using sodium hydroxide to clean his pillows
What a weird thing to lye about
A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.
As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for." I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believe it, he didn't do a single thing wrong. I'm going to pull him over and let him know." He pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says "Sir, I'm sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while and not once did you speed, change lanes without signaling, or do anything else deserving of a citation. I rarely see this so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving." The guy looks up at him and replies: "Well, you've got to be careful when you're drunk."
Can’t a girl just say Good Morning to a guy like a normal person?
Is it really necessary to ask “Who are you” “How did you get in my room” “Why are you naked”.
It is hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
A man is lost in the desert…
A man attempts to cross a desert by camel-back, but finds himself lost after some days. Having food, water, and supplies, he starts to lack only one thing upon his journey: companionship. After a couple of weeks alone, he figures 'what the heck…' and drops his trousers behind his camel and proceeds to start mounting the camel. As he does so, the camel whips its head all the way around and bites him in the face. A few more days go by, and the man starts to really need a lay. He tries a similar tactic of going behind the camel, but tries doing it much faster. Once again the camel whips its head around and bites him in the face, which ends with him laying in the sand frustrated and without having satisfied his urges. A few days later, a sandstorm picks up and the man hears cries coming from nearby. Through the biting sand, he recognises that the calls are from a woman. As he nears, he realises that she is covered in sand up to her neck. She shouts to him, "Please! Please dig me out, I'll do anything you wish!" The man dismounts and starts digging her out. As he is going along, he notices that, not only is she extremely fit and beautiful, but her clothing has been damaged in the sandstorm as well exposing her bare breasts. Advancing to her waistline, she begins to help him, and he sees that her dress has been ripped away, and she's nearly naked. After a couple of hours she is free, and she motions seductively to the man, "For saving my life, I'll do anything for you. What would you have me do?" The man wastes no time dropping his trousers, and says, "Hold that camel's head for me, will you?"
I showed my lawyer the damaged remains of my bag and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, “You don’t seem to have much of a case.”
A cloud is trying to be cool.
He's being smog
My girlfriend said, “If one day, you want to run away, just let me know.”
Turns out she meant together.
At last…….I have managed to find my wife’s ‘G’ spot….
….who would have thought her sister had it the whole time
My grocery store had a great deal on baked sweets today
It’s really been a great cake day
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty!