I only have my shelf to blame.
I was like, 0mg!
Just in case there’s a salad dressing
Have an awesome 2016! ❤️
Well, it’s hard to say.
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
How do you ruin a joke?
I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us. Edit: can someone explain all the letters?
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
Mom, what’s dark humor? Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap Mom! I'm blind…. Exactly.
He's a small arms dealer
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it. A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
I said too bad they don't have windows
They both barely cover the asshole. EDIT: I leave this up for a few hours and 500 upvotes already?! Thanks everyone! EDIT 2: WOW! MY FIRST MEDAL EVER! THANK YOU KIND REDDIT STRANGER!
“I never knew my real ladder.”
No text found
On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!
Apparently you’re not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say “get a load of this guy” every time someone walks in.
We shoot each other in schools, because we have class.
An octopus with 1 extra heart. (It’s a learning joke 😁)
Because he was outstanding in his field.