Adominal art style
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
Kid: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron? Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
A dwarf was pickpocketed recently.
I dont know how someone could stoop so low.
I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad.
He always wanted to be a millionaire too.
A fisherman went back to work after taking a break for six months.
His friend approached him and said, "Hey, long time no sea."
Why do atheists struggle with exponents?
They don’t believe in a higher power.
My son asked me what procrastinate meant.
I said I'd tell him later
Unwritten rules of Life…..
1. 2. 3.
I absolutely support any scientist who is trying to create a complete invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks
What does a house wear?
Address
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion.
When people began using the alphabet, they only used 25 letters.
Nobody knew why.
What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock’s vagina in Bird Box?
Bandersnatch. I'm sorry.
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.” “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife. “Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?” “Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank…
I have no words for how angry I am.
I had an amazing chat with a dolphin earlier who I had just met.
We just clicked. I am sorry. So, so sorry…
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
Two termites walk into a bar
One asks ‘Is the Bar tender here?’
My grandfather’s broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago.
It’s a timeless piece, really.
My dad used to change wheels on cars.
Now he's retired.
A man with a dog walks into a bar.
He walks over to his seat and says, "I can bet $100 to each of you that my dog can talk!" Everybody agrees to the bet. The guy says, "Spot, speak!" The dog is silent. "Spot, speak," the guy repeats. The dog still doesn't react. Fuming, the guy begrudgingly pays each of the bettors the agreed upon sum and leaves the bar. Outside, the guy says to the dog, "You set me up, you stupid mutt! Do you even know how much cash I lost because of you?" "Nonsense," says his dog. "Just imagine how much money we'll raise tomorrow from these suckers!"
Saw the damnedest thing at the airport. A vulture was trying to board the plane with a dead, rotting animal hanging out of its mouth. Gate agent tried to stop him…
…and the vulture said, "I'm clearly permitted one piece of carrion luggage."
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”
Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”
![[OC] u/vaaliera Ahaha phone bad](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/l6trm5rq9ni41-400x663.jpg)
Unbelievable! 364 Days until Christmas…
…yet there is deco everywhere already!
Ok brace yourselves for an absolute travesty of a joke, said during bathtime after water got into my daughter’s eyes.
I told my wife: There's the captain water, and the crewmember water. The captain water says: "All right crewmembers, do you know where you have to go?" The crewmember water replies: "Eye eye, sir!" This earned me a proper facepalm from my wife which I shall wear proudly as a badge of honor and now share here with you.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive West.
I just bought a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.
When you try to fix a minor bug and expose a fundamental flaw in the core design
https://ift.tt/2Q9AxGf
A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
Including my name, address and phone number.
