Adrenaline power point ending
My wife insisted that I read “Pride and Prejudice”, but I said no.
I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book will lecture me.
Did you hear about the day the cows ran away?
It was udder madness
A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.
"My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
My wife asked me if I wanted kids…
I told her, no, but I wouldn't mind playing with the box they came in.
When it’s friday and someone says “so hey there is this quick thing we need fixed”
https://ift.tt/3ahqVRs
My girlfriend is cheating on me with a doctor.
Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, I’ll be giving her an apple for lunch everyday. That oughta do the trick.
I can’t believe Kim Jon Un wants to nuke South Korea
Does he have no Seoul
What would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight?
There would be mass confusion.
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius. Because I'm not dead.
I met an atheist who worked for a charity the other day..
She said it was a non-prophet organization.
How do you make a fish not smell?
Cut off its nose.
We were going to have chicken for supper, but ended up having rabbit.
It was a game changer.
A priest and a taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes. For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said. Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment. "St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?" St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
What did the mod say to the redditor?
[removed]
A child asks his dad, what does a solar eclipse mean.
His dad replied, "no son".
I’m an American, and I’m sick of people saying, “America is the stupidest country in the world.”
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
ation.
https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/ap9gqf/i_have_a_phd_in_procrastin/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app
And the Lord said onto John ” Come Forth and ye shall receive eternal life.”
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas!
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.
Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".
Never get in a fight with a T-rex.
You'll get jurasskicked..
Harry Potter has way too many characters…
Even J.K. Rolling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar…
…but I don’t believe him…
I Can swear, I’ve seen someone who did the last one, and complained it didn’t work!😂
https://ift.tt/2NaXfvM
Why should you leave the restroom if someone walks in playing Pokemon Go?
Because they might be trying to catch a pikachu.
What is the German word for constipation ?
Fahrfrahmpoopin
I use to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
But then i turned myself around.
Anyone want to help me make a TV show about Abraham Lincoln?
The plan is to shoot it in front of a live audience.
I couldn’t believe I got to use this
Wife-Can you be serious for a minute? Me-*grins* Ok and you be Shirley Wife-I'm serious! Me-Shirley you can't be Serious, I'm Serious This actually happened. 🙂
Blind man goes for surgery
A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life. "Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection." "Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks. "No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Two birds are sitting on a perch…
One asks, do you smell fish?
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Fucking everywhere