Adult normal ninja turtles
Hypothermia is the coolest way to die
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If laziness was an Olympic sport.
I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.
Two lesbians go on a date, who pays for it?
The guys that think they're on a double date
I went to the library looking for a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat
The librarian said it rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.
He's a seasoned veteran.
Why is it so hard to find pain killers in the jungle?
Because the parrots eat 'em all.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An Irrelephant.
I tell dad jokes but I’m not actually a father…
I’m a faux pas.
I have a fear of speed bumps…
…but I'm slowly getting over them.
I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”
I’d never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, “Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?” If not, don’t say it. I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, “Your chest is epic.”
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.
I don’t know any dean jokes.
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I decided to quit my job and become a museum curator, but to be honest
I'm just doing it for the Monet
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
/r/Jokes/comments/gt1blg/i_went_to_the_shop_the_other_day_to_buy_six_cans/
What do you call an Arab stand-up comedian?
Mohahamed.
Why are ants immune to COVID-19?
They have anty-bodies
How did the chicken feel after giving birth in the coop?
Eggs-hausted!
Educated people are hot
Because the have got more degrees ! ( Read this one in an old book ! )
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
They should make a film series about a guy who uses candles as weapons.
Call it John Wick.
Why do police get to protests early?
To beat the crowd.
A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.
He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools – Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father, "Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?" "Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to have any fun at all." "What about Hampden-Sydney?" "Well, it's an all guys school, so unless you're into that, I wouldn't be too confident." "Well, Alabama has to have something, right?" "Alabama!" the father says with a chuckle. "Well, at Alabama, I'd say your chances of getting laid are pretty relative!"
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
Made a poker table full of strangers groan last night.
I’ve never been so happy to make everyone at a table hate me. Another player and I were getting into a pretty big pot at the Texas Hold Em table at my local casino last night. Towards the end of the hand, he went “all-in” meaning he bet all of the rest of his chips. When he pushed his stacks of chips in the middle, there was a really long hair hanging off of the chips that stayed attached to the top of his chip stack. When the dealer counted up his stack he said “the bet is $205” And I replied “ah, so just a hair over 200 dollars then??” I’ve never wanted kids, but the audible groans I was rewarded with are now making me think I might be ignoring my calling.
Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said …."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for? "Check for squirrel." he responds
After you die, what’s the last part of your body that stops working?
Your Pupils. They dilate.
If you only sucked average sized penises…
You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.
Two scientists are playing Minecraft.
Two scientists are playing Minecraft. One is new to the game and doesn’t know much about it. At some point, he crafts a pickaxe, but doesn’t know what to do with it, so he asks the more experienced scientist. Scientist 1: Bro, what should I do with this pickaxe that I crafted? Scientist 2: Br.
I’ve read “ An Idiot’s Guide To Plumbing ” twice and I still haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.
I guess it’s going to take another few reads before this sinks in.
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay they’d be bagels.
