Adultery is a sin..
You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.
My girlfriend called me today and told me that she was HIV+
It's always hard to act surprised
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do…" the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about.
But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner
It was just collecting dust
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection…
Except the movie Up. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Two American journalists are in London.
Two American journalists are in London attending a press convention. That evening they are in the bar chatting to fellow UK journalists when the subject of how headlines are written came up. The UK journo's commented that the Headlines in America are far too long. They need to be much shorter, and to the the point. "Interesting", said the American journ'o, "can you give us an example?" "Well", said the UK guy, "take this crime that happened yesterday, a mental patient escapes from the local funny farm, enters a laundry, rapes one of the washer women and runs off. What headline would you use?" The two thought for a moment and said." Maniac sexually assaults laundry worker and escapes". "See," Says the UK guy, "too long". "what's your headline then?", said the American. The UK guy smiles and said, "Nut screws washer and bolts".
A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.
She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off. "Do you even own a bike?" he asks. "I do. It's parked right outside." "Do you swear?" "More than a fucking sailor." She says. "Do you drink?" "Like a fish." The leader is surprisingly impressed, and asks one more question. "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The old lady thinks for a minute, and then says "No, but I've been swung around by the nipples before."
My son identifies as a crescent moon.
I hope it's just a phase.
The last 4 letters of “queue” aren’t silent
They’re waiting for their turn
When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.
He was decomposing.
Just walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
Well, that was a trip down memory lane.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
As I handed my Dad his 47th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
"You know, one would have been enough."
Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour
British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words. American English: no u
What do judges like to wear?
A law suit
How much does it cost to ride Santa’s sleigh?
About eight bucks, nine during bad weather.
My dyslexia teacher stole my Volkswagen Golf.
What a stupid old gti.
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex…
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
A woman in the shower hears the doorbell. “It’s the blind man”. So she answers the door naked…
"Nice bewbs! Now where do you want me to hang the blind?"
So my brother’s girlfriend was recently diagnosed with cancer, and when she told him, he proposed to her on the spot!
So see ladies, we guys can be spontaneous and romantic. We just don't like long term commitments.
What do you call a bear covered in strawberries
To be honest even I dont know u choose
What’s the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red for free
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it
I had an out of body experience recently.
I was beside myself.
Pinocchio, Snow white, and Superman
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine. As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world." "I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya go?" "I won First Place!," said Snow White. They continue walking and they see another sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world." "I'm entering" says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?" "I won first place too." answers Superman. "Did you ever have a doubt?" They continue walking when they see a third sign: "Contest – Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio quickly enters the contest. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked. "Who the hell is Donald Trump ?" asked Pinocchio.
Bilbo Baggins suddenly woke up to “Don’t stop Believing.”
It was an unexpected Journey.
Step ladder
I dont get on with my step ladder Its not like my real ladder