Advantages of titute are made illegal by disadvantages of titute. Pros and cons
First visit to America as German guy!
I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by. She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!" I shouted back "DANKE!"
What do you call a deaf gynecologist
A lip reader
My friend David lost his ID
Now heβs just Dav
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime-mates
Boss told me that as a security guard, itβs my job to watch the office
Iβm on season 6 and Iβm not really sure what this show has to do with security
My drug test came back negative..
My dealer has now got some explaining to do.
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book im writing.
It's really gonna spice up the autobiography.
I was bored so I dug three holes in my backyard.
My wife came home and said "Well, well, well…"
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "Think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's." Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.
An egyptian mother tells his son “im a proud mummy”
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I just took off my backpack after my very last college final.
Boy, was that a weight off my shoulders. Edit: I actually am finally about to graduate, so Iβm happy even if you donβt like my joke!
Won’t someone please think of tΜΆhΜΆeΜΆ ΜΆcΜΆhΜΆiΜΆlΜΆdΜΆrΜΆeΜΆnΜΆ my portfolio?
https://ift.tt/2Uf2duI
If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on, I’d be likeβ¦
"Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
I never understood school shooting jokes…
I guess theyβre aimed at a younger audience.ο»Ώ
A girl invited me to have sex on her Honda Civic
But i like to have sex on my own Accord
[Nsfw] My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts, but it was really a lack of Control. I see this as a fresh Start, I thought I would never Escape.
When 2 people have sex, its a twosome. When 3 people have sex, its a threesome
Now I know why people call you handsome
A gay man, a straight woman and a programmer are stranded on a deserted island.
During the first night, the gay man goes to the programmer and tells him they should kill the woman so he could have a normal sex life. The second night, the woman goes to the programmer and tells him they should kill the gay man so she could have a normal sex life. The third night, the programmer kills both the woman and the man so he could have normal sex life.
I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it’s because she’s cute with big brown eyes…
But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle
My wife got really mad at me because I have no sense of direction.
So i packed my stuff and right.
If life gives you melons,
You might be dyslexic
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow is travelling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out… "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"
Itβs easy to prevent women from eating tide pods…
…but itβs harder to deter gents
What’s red and smells?
Rudolph's nose.
Iβve been looking for my ex girlfriendβs killer for the past two years.
But nobody will do it.
Why do keyboard never sleep?
It's because they have two Shifts.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my trail mix.
You should invest in these stocks:
Chicken, vegetable, and beef. Youβll be a bouillonaire in no time.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman
What do you call a chicken staring at some lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?
It was a Big Mcsteak
3 unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.
1. 2. 3.
A plane went down over the ocean, and three of the survivors end up stranded on a remote tropical island.
They don't get very far before a tribe of cannibals capture them and bring them back to their village as prisoners. One of the men says "Please don't eat us! We'll do anything!". The cannibal's chief decides to have a bit of fun with them and says "Oh? Well then, go into the forest and come back with 10 pieces of the same fruit." So the men break off and search for fruit. First one comes back with a 10 apples. The chief says "If you can shove those up your ass without making a sound, we wont eat you." He barely fits the one before he whimpers in pain so the cannibals eat him. Now the second guy makes it back with a 10 cherries. Chief says "Like I told the last guy, if you can shove those up your ass without a sound, you can live." Its going pretty well, and the man has only a few left when he suddenly starts laughing uncontrollably, so they eat him. Now the spirits of the two dead men meet in heaven, and the first says "Man you were so close! Why would you start laughing?!?" The second guy responds "Because I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples!"
Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they’d be be gross, but they were actually pretty goodβ¦
Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.