Advantages of titute are made illegal by disadvantages of titute. Pros and cons
One day I’ll pretend to be gay. I’ll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected…BAAM!!!
I'll have sex with their boyfriends
Yes i masturbate fully naked
if you dont like it, go to another starbucks
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?
tosses him a frisbee
Why did the dog say “meow”?
he was bilingual
When I show people my step ladder I always tell them in a sad voice,
“I never knew my real ladder.”
I saw a sign that said ‘do not touch’, however there was something weird about the sign….
I couldn't put my finger on it….
My 10 year old daughter just told me this one. “What did the green grape say to the purple grape?”
"Breathe you idiot, BREATHE!" I've never been so proud.
Why are fish the easiest animals to weigh?
Because they come with their own scales.
My friend Jay recently had twins, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
When did bugs become potatoes?
What if like a ladybug got all dusty and stopped flying and became a Potatoe bug?
I met an Australian guy who works in IT.
I asked, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
Stan lee
Its sad he died but at least he lived a marvelous life
just stole a tesla
now it’s called edison
A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary…
… and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
A farmer
buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day, it’s fucking the geese and the ducks too. Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, " You deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "Shhhhhh! They are about to land!"
Me: *shaking 8 ball* will tonight’s party be amazing?
8 ball: i’m a pile of cocaine, what the hell do you think?
I bought my friends an elephant for their room
They said: 'Thank you.' I said: 'Don't mention it.'
What’s Santa’s race?
North Polish
I just bought a thesaurus, but all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am
Did you hear about the guy who’s been pick-pocketing midgets?
I can't believe someone would stoop so low!
My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.
She's a nightmare
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind!
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
“Can someone give an example of things that are useless?” The teacher asked.
Me: raises hand Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary.
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too.
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. In the Bahamas, it is $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
You did, it was a vaccination and that’s why there’s no more smallpox anymore
https://ift.tt/2tvvNSa
What’s the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A pimple waits til you’re twelve to come on your face.
The person who invented the wheel to make life easier is so lazy
All he did was cut corners
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
I thought that was a really odd way to start a conversation with me.
People think a runny nose is funny.
But, it’s snot
A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race
Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads Local nun has winning ass. She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads Nun has best ass in town. The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seriously helping the church, so he tries to ignore it. After a regional win, the paper reads Nun shows entire county her ass. The priest decides this sort of publicity is too much, and insists she sell the donkey. She puts up a few ads. The next day, the headline is Nun offers her ass for £50. The priest insists she get rid of it quickly, so she makes it free to a loving home. Nun desperate for someone to own her ass. A bishop realises the problem, and so offers to take the donkey. Bishop loves nun's ass. The priest faints.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy!
Why does the Swedish Navy have bar codes on their ship?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
Don’t spell part backwards
It’s a trap
My Lesbian neighbors Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters! For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
What do you call a werewolf youtuber?
A lycansubscribe!
There’s an L in Noel even though there is Noel
No text found
So i stubbed my toe this morning…
My toe hurts but The Opera Director Next door was very impressed
The lights in my house just went out, so I have to call an electrician….
I am unable to deal with the current situation..
