Adverts in elevators.
I hate these multi-level marketing schemes.
Poor Mr Endyman
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together…
Immune System! Assemble..
best feeling in the world
I used to feel like a man trapped inside a woman’s body
Then I was born
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear…
Is sphere itself
I got fired from my job at a bank today
Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
Well, on the one hand your right,
and on the other, your left.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed
Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.
When is a Dad joke not a Dad joke.
When it's told by a Catholic Priest. Then it's a Father joke.
I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25
Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.
Donald J. Trump walks into a bar…
and lowers it
I’m an excellent programmer, ohh yeah!
Found in the wild
My dad shared this
At first I disliked parasites
But later on they grew on me
The establishment is so compassionate.
My caffeine addiction is taking over..
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits in your wife’s clothes
My son said he coloured himself with a highlighter pen from the neck upwards during work today.
I think it's a bold-faced lie.
America is great…
That’s my secret, I’m always ardea herodias
seeing your customized character in a cutscene
The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes.
A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, " "Now remember….that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the water will just bead off." The guy takes his new bike and goes to pick up his girlfriend. The girlfriend invites the guy over to her parents house for dinner. This will be the first time he's ever eaten with her family. "I should let you know the rule of the table" she said. "There is no talking allowed. The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes." The guy doesn't think this is that big of a deal until he arrives at the family's house and looks in the kitchen. There must be at least three months worth of dishes inside. They are stacked up to the ceiling, stinking and rotting of mold and old bits of food everywhere. The guy almost throws up at the smell and sight of such a disgusting state of affairs. Dinner begins, and no one is saying a word. The tension is starting to get to the boyfriend, so he concocts a plan to make someone else speak first. The guy drops his fork, goes over to his girlfriend at the table, throws her up on top and just starts fucking her in front of everyone. The father and mother are obviously embarrassed. But even with their jaws on the floor, no one says a word. The guy stops and thinks to himself "This is going to be harder than I thought…." then he gets another idea….. Without hesitation, he runs over to the mother throws her up on the table and fucks the shit out of her, right in front of the father. The dad is staring daggers through the boyfriend and turning bright red in anger. But still says nothing. The girlfriend is becoming teary eyed and covering her mouth with her hands, but doesn't make a peep. The boyfriend stops fucking the mother and sits back down at his seat, completely flustered. He takes a gander out the window, and notices a sudden heavy rain has settled in. He then realizes that his vintage motorbike is parked on the street, uncovered. The boyfriend pops out of his seat and grabs his tub of vaseline. The dad jumps out of his chair and yells out, "ALRIGHT, I'LL DO THE GODDAMNED DISHES!"
This felt pretty boomer x-post r/makemesuffer
Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?
Best Buy employee: a cord? Me: no it's a Civic.
I just approved my own pull request.
any one who codes for games here ? i made a meme about it
What do you call a police officer in bed?
An undercover cop.
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says “Hey.”
The horse says "Sure."
My male friend with two red headed parents got turned into a cookie today
Not much has changed though, he’s still a ginger-bred man.
The gift that just keeps on giving
This just seems sketchy
The perfect volume.
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
To the person who stole my glasses
I can still drink from the bottle
There once was a man from Kent
whose dick was so long that it bent. So to save him some trouble, he tucked it in double, and so instead of coming, he went. Do limericks count as jokes?
Why do reddit users hate facebook?
Because you need to have friends to be on facebook.
Wife = bad
Evolution vs. intelligent design
There are 10 kinds of people.
Those that understand binary and those who dont.
What do you call a dinosaurs penis ?
MLM guy doesnt realize that 10trillion isnt worth dick due to hyperinflation.
i just invented a new word
its called Plagiarism
I don’t understand how Australians can be homophonic.
I mean, G’day is just gay with a d rammed into it.
Do you want to why I get along well with short people?
It’s because they look up to me.
I did a thing. Seriously though, I should probably finish my college apps.
F for Bubby
Who needs sex when they have this
Do you know why Jesus loves Donuts?
Because theyre not self-centered.
The state of the nation
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "Yep," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road,"explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?" “At the circus," Says the barman. "The circus?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. "The circus?" The duck asks again, “with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ……. "What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?"
We still do hate him.
“Lock her up”morons
Database guys 🤣
The dedication here is under appreciated
Dan would rather see Donald sans obstructionism
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla comes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
Alabama and Lousiana here’s your chance to show America you’re not who we think you are
[NSFW] Wonder Woman is laying naked, face down, on a rooftop…
…when Superman flies by and sees her. Her naked body has him feeling all types of ways, so he starts to think, "You know, I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of there before she even realizes what happened." So, Superman flies in, does his business and takes off. Wonder Woman says, "What was that?" The Invisible Man responds, "I don't know, but my fucking ass is killing me."
Help me out with my uni assignment by completing this survey :(
Hey old fellas of boomer. It would be great if y’all take some time to fill out this quick survey I’m conducting for my uni assignment. Try to make your answers long pleaseeehttps://ift.tt/3ayaejr
Rick and morty memes have never been more lit
Is this a compliment or insult?
If Joe biden becomes president,
the white house will become forbiden
I usually wear 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing
Last time I got a hole in one
What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?
A manhole cover
Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he’s a stud..
But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.