After a long day, it was nice to hear someone compliment my homemade bread.
I kneaded that.
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
Siri kept calling me Shirley this morning. I was starting to get really pissed off, and then I realized why…
I left my phone in Airplane mode
Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name. "Yeah teach?" he replies. "If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher. Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off." "No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds. "Well, teach, I've got a question for you… There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?" The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream." Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
You don’t know what you’re missing!
Mothers Against Dyslexia
The opposite of right
A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, “Uno..dos..” and was suddenly gone.
He disappeared without a tres.
Turned out it was just a stereo type.
Mom: Guess who I saw today! Me: who? Mom: Everyone I looked at!
A midget walks into a brothel with a honeycomb under his arm and a donkey following closely behind. He asks the head mistress for a woman for the evening as his wife had left him. She says "sure thing but I gotta ask, what's with the honeycomb and the donkey?". He says "well, my wife found a genie's lamp and her first wish was a home fit for a queen and she ended up with a honeycomb. Then she asked for the nicest ass ever and so she got this very well behaved donkey". The mistress asks about the third wish and the midget says she wished I had a dick that hung past my knee. She says "well that doesnt sound so bad". "It wouldn't be that bad except I used to be 6' 3".
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
In the end, he came around.
Can February March? No, but April May.
When do we want them! Nooooooooooowwwwwwwwww
They were sole mates
I asked if it was that good, his smile faded and he looked me dead in the eye as he said no, its fucking close to water. He poured it down the drain without losing focus and walked out of the kitchen
Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but I'm getting too old for the hard work. Why don't you hire some of the folks at r/jokes? I hear they're the best at reposting"
It can write other words too
Fruit flies like a banana.
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
They are in da skies.
Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran- Grandpa – it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.
A friend you can count on!
Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old school, "tablets are the way to go nowadays' he says. Damn fly never stood a chance
Police are working tirelessly to catch him
At first it’s boring, but later on, it’s riveting…