After getting all of the Popes luggage loaded into the limo…
…the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the fucking Pope as a chauffeur!!"
BREAKING: North Korean Leader in vegetative state following surgery.
They're going to start calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "Hmmmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
My girlfriend changed a lot since becoming a vegan
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
Why was the locomotive outstanding in his field?
He trained.
So I’m giving up drinking for the next month straight.
Sorry, that came out wrong. Ahem. So, I’m giving up. Drinking for the next month straight.
How does Bill Gates count to ten?
1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8,10.
Ah yes, forget the fact that the cost of college increased at least 260% since 1980
https://ift.tt/2PbrZNy
If i had $1 for every girl that didn’t find me attractive..
.. they would eventually find me attractive
My daughter really changed a lot after becoming a vegan.
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
Talking to god
So this man is talking to God and he says: “God, is it true that a million years is like a second to you?” Then God says: “Yes. A million years is like a second to me.” Then the man says: “So if a million years is like a second to you, is it true that a million dollars is like a penny for you?” Then God said: “Yes. A million dollars is like a penny to me.” So the man says: “God, can I please have a penny?” Then God says: “Yeah just give me a second.”
I asked my Chinese friend what it’s like living in China
He says he can't complain.
What does a moth eat when it wants Asian food?
https://ift.tt/2yzrXqx
Every 52 seconds a man in London is stabbed.
Poor bastard.
What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?
Vector quantitties
One morning at a doctor’s clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.
The doctor examines him and asks him: "Tell me what happened to your back…?" The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out of the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I was very angry. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. It was very heavy… That is how I strained my back.!" Later that day, a second patient arrives as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said: "My previous patient looked bad.. But you look terrible.. What the hell happened to you ?" He replied: "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first day at my new job… I forgot to set my alarm and I was late… I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time. And you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge. I don't know how and where from this fridge fell on me…!!!" Before closing hours, the third patient comes. He looks like he was punished in hell. The doctor is shocked. He asks: "What the hell happened to you..??" The patient replies: "Well, It started like this, I was in a fridge………."
Me being tempted by all the languages I tell myself I could learn while under quarantine.
https://ift.tt/2xLOKlw
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
So a guy and his gf are making out
and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad. After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings. “Oh shit, I have an important package coming, I have to get the door. I can’t wipe this blood off my face fast enough!” said the guy. The gf tells him, “it’s ok, just tell the guy you were eating a jelly sandwich and didn’t have time to wipe your face.” So the guy goes and opens the door to sign the package from the mailman but notices the mailman staring at him awkwardly. “Oh this red stuff around my mouth is from my jelly sandwich, sorry about that.” says the guy. The mailman, slightly confused, says “Ohhhh… so is that peanut butter on your forehead?”
A man is washing his car with his son.
His son looks at him and says, “Dad…Why can’t you use a sponge?”
Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic?
Because baggers can’t be choosers.
What does a magician say when he sells his stuff
No strings attached.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
Told my fiance that I think our dog is depressed.
She asked me why and I said that everytime we get home, I say hello to him and ask how his day was. He answers with "Rough! Rough!"
People shouldn’t look down on lazy people.
They haven’t done anything!
What did the mamma llama say to the baby llama said he was out of lunch money?
"Alpaca lunch for you”
I googled how to start a wildfire…
It came up with a couple thousand matches.
I was appalled when the waiter told me it’s ‘nacho cheese’
I said i paid for it, it IS my cheese.
A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows: Hamburger – 2.99 Cheeseburger – 3.99 Chicken Sandwich – 4.99 Hand Jobs – 19.99 The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile. The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"