After getting all of the Popes luggage loaded into the limo…
…the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the fucking Pope as a chauffeur!!"
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
What do you call a person who lives in Sweden but isn’t from there?
An artificial swedener (((Or "Swede-ish" as another user suggested)))
6:30 is the best time on a clock.
Hands down.
I’m reading a book about the history of glue.
I just can't seem to put it down.
I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it…
…You never know when you might need a nail.
What’s more Irish than potatoes?
Not having potatoes.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper that way.
I was sacked from the ice cream factory today
Just because I refused to work on a Sundae!
A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby
A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?" The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"
People mostly get shocked when the find out that….
I'm a bad electrician.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut
They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code.
A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule”
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "I think the stubble suits you!"
Why is a chemist good at DJing?
Because they know when to drop the base.
The difference between o and O
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says : "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday , the judge asks the first guy : "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well , your honor , I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful . How did you do it ?" "I used a diagram , your honor . I drew two circles like this : Oo. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable ," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor , I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people.! How did you manage to do that?" "Well , I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this : oO. Then I pointed to the little circle and said : 'This is your asshole before jail"…
My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like “Hobbit!”, “Gandalf!”, and “Mordor!”.
Always Tolkien in her sleep…
I almost got caught stealing a board game today…
But it was a Risk I was willing to take…
Looks like October is…. Octover
No text found
What’s the difference between and hippo and a zippo
One is pretty heavy and the other is a little lighter
knock knock
who's there? The electrician to fix your doorbell
What happens in Vegas
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.' Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!' The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?' 'Yes.' 'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?' 'Yes.' 'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?' 'Yes.' 'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.' Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.' They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is amazed, and he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?' The hooker replies, '$1,500.' 'I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!' The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.' The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car and says, 'Sign me up.' Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,' How much for some pussy?' The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?' 'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?' 'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, “The baby’s coming! Don’t stop the car! Won’t make it! WON’T! CAN’T!”
"Driver, hurry!" I cried. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
and are followed by 'Batman!'
*Wife pregnant* Nurse: “I’m gonna deliver the Baby”
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Did you know you can tell if an ant is a boy or a girl by dropping it in water?
If it sinks it's a girl ant If it floats it's boy ant
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
He says, "uno, dos…" poof … He disappeared without a tres.
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?
tosses him a frisbee
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi
Bricks are the happiest construction materials.
They're always getting laid.
Working out is like a drug to me.
I don’t do drugs.
How do you make holy water?
Boil the heck out of it.
Online college
Worst virus my college servers has every been exposed to. When you been an online college student and now all these other students are taking online classes and the college servers can not handle this coronavirus
Steve Irwin died as he lived.
With animals in his heart.
What did the llama say when he was getting evicted?
“I guess alpaca my bags.”
I couldn’t join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn’t pure enough
Turns out, my parents weren't even related.
A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man ” is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn’t matter who he or she will be”. So the man leaves the church and walks away
After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have me for just 20€? Who do you think I am? You'll need at least 100€." she says. The man is confused so he responds "I'm sorry, surely there has been a misunderstanding, the priest of the nearby church told me to give you 20€". She replays "now I see… listen to me darling, he pays 20 € because he is a loyal customer! But he can't send all his friend here expecting me to make discount for everyone! " P. S. I'm sorry for my very bad English :p
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?”
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
A platypus walks into a bar where the bartender is a duck.
He finished his drink, and asked for his check. Duck billed platypus.