After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day."
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Frankly, your service provider.
A very shy guy goes into a bar
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
A man gives up his twin sons for adoption at birth.
Many years later the dad finds out one boy was adopted by a Mexican family and the other by a Muslim family. The son from the Mexican family, Juan, reaches out to the dad as an adult and the two meet. They have a great time reconnecting and the dad finds out his other son is named Amal. At the end of the day Juan asks his dad if he wants to meet his other son. The dad declines. Juan asks why and the dad says, “if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
I’m doing a one man show about puns at my local theater…..
……it's a play on words.
I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can’t even say black paint
You have to say Leroy, please paint that wall
Where do horses go when they get sick?
To the horspital! Just kidding, they get shot.
TIL that before the crowbar was invented…
…most crows drank at home.
We were eating lunch…
Before our hike, my wife offered my sister-in-law some fruit. She said "no thanks, I had a pear on the way here." Without skipping a beat, I said "you mean you came pre-peared?"
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" In a very pleasant tone, the greeter responded, "I'm neither blind nor stupid. I just couldn't believe that you got laid twice."
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
Hear the one about those corduroy pillows?
Been leaving headlines everywhere
I’ve been having the most difficult time figuring out what audio system to put in my car.
I hate making decisions based on stereotypes.
90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,
But for mathematicians, it's just right.
You can’t take a photo of a man with a wooden leg.
You really need a camera
A friend of mine has just got a job as a director at Macdonalds farm.
He's been made the CIEIO
A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, “Giraffe, don’t smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest.”
The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along. Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The rabbit says to the sheep, "Mr sheep, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest." The sheep looks at the heroin, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the heroin. The sheep tossed his needle aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along. Soon they come to a clearing, and in this clearing is a tiger. Now, this tiger is about to drink a can of beer. The rabbit looks at the tiger and says, "Mr tiger, don't drink beer. Alcohol is a drug and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest." The tiger looks at his beer, looks at the rabbit, and back his beer. He takes a claw and cracks open the beer and proceeds to carefully place it down beside him. He gets up and walks over to the rabbit, lifts up a paw, and starts mauling the shit out of this rabbit! The giraffe and sheep are in shock. And they say, "Dude, what the fuck? He was just trying to help you!" The tiger turns to them and say, "Every time that fucking rabbit does cocaine, I end up running through the fucking forest!"
[presidential test post]
pls ignore
My daughter was involved in a peekaboo related injury
She’s currently in the I.C.U
My friend started making art out of marijuana…
It’s pretty dope
What do you call a tired skeleton?
The Grim Sleeper
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll
Can monsters do math?
Not unless you count Dracula
England has no kidney bank but…
It does have a Liverpool
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful
A coach is looking after a young ice hockey team
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head." Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'adumb a–hole', is it?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
I think it’s wrong that only one company…
…makes the game Monopoly.
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why.
what I if told you…
that you misread the first line of this joke
I asked my mom “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. That probably explains why her marriage failed.