After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.
For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.
After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoony images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection.
When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled, thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
For those of you who were superstitious yesterday, today should be worse…
It's Pi day the 14th, expect irrational fear
So, I got married once..
To a solid 7/10. She wanted kids right away. Gets her wish, so fast forward 9 months, baby is on the way. I am in the waiting room because I couldn't handle it. I see my child for the first time. Told her she could name the baby anything she wanted and she tells the doctor that her name is 'Love'. Wife isn't a hippy or anything and I'm not a huge fan, but fuck it, I promised her. Fast forward 10 years. Love comes back from school crying. I ask her what's wrong. Says she is being bullied because of her name. I cheer her up with some ice cream. Problem solved and best dad award achieved. Fast Forward 7 more years. Love has turned into a 9/10. She dresses normal. Always wears red nail polish. But she is shy, very shy. She is still mocked constantly because of her not so ordinary name. She comes home from school one day, obviously disturbed. I ask her if it's about her name. She says nothing and just kisses me on the cheek and leaves. First time she has kissed me since she was a baby. Just wasn't her thing. Then, I hear my wife pulling in. She is home early from work. I hear the door open from daughter's room. The door then opens from garage. Loud blast goes off directly behind me. I fall to the ground. Wife looks at me and screams. I look down and see bullet through my chest. Love says something about her name. I look up at my still beautiful wife and I say: Shot through the heart And you're to blame You gave Love …a bad name
I stumbled upon an Elk with no name…
… it was Anonymoose
My girlfriend wanted to have a conversation with me about me being too childish, but it never happened…
She didn't know the password to my treehouse!
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
Today is a day to celebrate motherfuckers.
Happy Father's Day!
My dad died after no one could remember his blood type for a transfusion
As he was dying he kept telling us "be positive, be positive!" But it's gonna be really hard without him.
Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
A man walks into the doctor’s office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass
The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."
My 5 year old granddaughter kept following me while holding a bucket. I asked her what the bucket was for and she said . . .
“Dad says if you kick it, we’ll be rich!!”
I’ve created a new word
Plagiarism (thanks to my 11 year old for that one!)
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor.
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
I am a mean guy.
It sounds so much more macho than, "I am an average person."
Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet?
They got stuck at C
What do you call cheese that isnt yours..?
Oh sorry, Havarti told you this one?
Casualty of War
https://ift.tt/2K74qmF
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.

The joke is that this SHOULD be a fake tweet but…it’s real… how .. the …is this real
https://ift.tt/2UtRTPh
Presidents
Two guys, one American, one Russian, are discussing their presidents: – We despise our president, you know, when Trump is out in the crowd, everyone throws eggs, fruits – saw somebody throwing a pineapple at him; he get spit a lot and we swear at him aloud … – Here, In Russia, when Putin passes by, everybody urinates on him, but you know, everybody! – Well, let's be serious; I exaggerated a little … we swear at Trump, but in a whisper … we throw at him … but in front of our TVs … – Well, I exaggerated a bit as well … We really urinate, but we don't put our pants down … [Now: not a native speaker, so mistakes should be overlooked, of course, I hope it's not a repost]
I’ve been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it’s starting to get serious.
She asked me to move out with her.
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.” “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife. “Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?” “Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
I saw a red pimple and a green pimple holding hands.
I guess oppozits attract
A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.
I think that's a bit far fetched.
Want to hear a word i just made up?
Plagiarism. I just made up that word.
I’ve run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead
The times are rough
Sometimes I’ll order a pizza without any toppings…
When I'm feeling saucy.
A car
Therapist: So what brought you two here? Wife: I just hate how he takes things so literally? Therapist: What about you? Husband: A car.
Here’s the thing about cliff hangers
No text found
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back
What do you call a dinosaur that explodes?
Well I don't know but the Dinomite
When you say “poop” your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.
The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".
Isn’t it weird when sometimes you’re thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
Son: “Dad, I fell in love and want to date this girl”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
What do you call a careful wolf ?
Aware wolf.
At the end of a soccer game in Japan, the players are starting performing martial arts…
Its what they call Ninjary time.
Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.
I can’t deal with high maintenance women.