After my memory loss, I couldn’t remember the other word for ‘couch’.
I've been having a hard time recalling it sofa.
What’s the best Christmas present you could possibly get?
A broken drum… you can’t beat it
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas
Me: sipping toast why?
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck..
and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous, too." Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
Having gay parents must be really difficult.
Either twice the Dad jokes or an infinite loop of “Go ask your mom”.
What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?
Deer balls, they’re under a buck… (Told to me by my 12yo son)
A girls goes to the doctor
a girl goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, I have a black dot next to the pussy and do not know what is" The doctor says: "Do you smoke?" "Yes, why do you ask?" "Quit smoking and returns next week" The following week the girl returns: "The point has become bigger!" The doctor, who does not know what to do, says: "Do you drink alcohol?" "Yes, sometimes" "Then stop drinking and come back next week" A week goes by and the girl returns: "doctor, is still there" The doctor is perplexed: "Are you married?' "Yes, why?" "Come back tomorrow with your husband to see if he knows anything" The next day he returns with the husband, who goes in a work suit and the doctor asks him: "What do you work for?" "I'm a carpenter" "Fuck, then take the pencil out your ear when you eat your wife's pussy"
I told my son, “Have you heard that they’re shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can’t eat?”
"Canteens?" he asked. "No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
Why is mother always right?
Cause dad's left.
Spot on!
https://ift.tt/35cKZB2
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up on it’s own?
it was two-tired
![….yep [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/5rnyflkg09q41-1-400x413.png)
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler
If you hit Dwayne Johnson’s ass
Does it mean you hit rock bottom
I once swallowed a whole dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
I had to put my foot down today.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo
My workplace refuses to shut down during an international pandemic … my sister reacts.
https://ift.tt/3aU0ZLh
A 3 year old boy examined his testicles in bath
“Mom” He asked “ Are these my brains” “Not yet” She replied
My ex wife drowned in coffee
Terrible way to go, but I'm just glad it was instant
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "you know how to drive this thing?"
How did the potato feel about being uprooted?
It was a root awakening.
My wife and I are planning a trip to San Francisco to finally fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.
She asked me, “What are you going to do when you see it?” I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”
Why does Snoop Dogg have an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says “Terror”
So I can say to people "hey look, it's a terrorwrist".
Dad was told he only had 6 months to live. He said he wanted his ex wife to come live with him
Because It would be the longest 6 months of his life.