After that is my dick
A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.
When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich." The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table. The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can sit wherever I want, I'm fucking rich." Again, the bouncer decides to let the guy sit down, still hoping for a big tip. The guy then walks behind the bar, grabs the most expensive top-shelf bottle, and takes it back to his table. The bouncer, realizing that the owner will fire him for letting a guest grab such an expensive bottle, stops the guy a third time and says "I don't care how wealthy you are, you can't have that bottle." All the sudden a huge man, dwarfing the bouncer, taps him on the shoulder and tells the bouncer to let the guy keep the bottle. Indignant at the bold statement, the bouncer replies "and who the hell are you?" "Rich."
Are you today’s date?
Because you are 10/10
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns
Wanna feel old?
Wait
(From my 8 y/o) What goes “Oooooooooooooooo”
A cow with no lips!
In other news: Turtle grandpa can’t stop mitching about the consequences of his own actions
https://ift.tt/37V8bVV
A man and a woman are standing in an elevator. The woman suddenly asks “Is having a penis nice?”
The man laughed and said “Eh, it has its ups and downs.”
I once told a joke…
… about Chinese people and the Corona Virus. An overly sensitive and overweight female co-worker said that just because I'm Asian, doesn't mean that the joke wasn't racist… I asked her, "So if i tell a race joke, does it mean I'm a racist?" She responded, "Yes, telling a joke based on a race makes you a racist!" I then asked, "What if i told a fat joke? Would that make me a fatist?" She thought for a while before replying… "Well, yes… that would make you a fatist…" I looked at her and replied, "No, you're the fattest!"
People are dying all around the world just to mess with your loser president *eye roll*
https://ift.tt/33vbr99
This Earth Day, join us at r/jokes as we celebrate being the most eco-friendly subreddit
Now made with 98% recycled content.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I can never understand y.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice..
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget
19 and 20 got into a fight
19 and 20 got into a fight. 21.
One day left.
My father was ill and the doctor said he had only one day left to live. I was truly sad and was walking outside when I saw a wishing well. Taking my chances I threw in a quarter and wished his life would be extended. A r/jokes mod genie appeared out of the well and said " I hear your wish my son, and for everyday there is a new, fresh joke posted on r/jokes, your father will be granted another full week of life." His funeral is this Saturday.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I bought a pencil that was claimed to be owned by William Shakespeare, but the lettering’s all faded.
I’m not sure whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
My Aunt who spends hours on Candy Crush on her Kindle thought this was hilarious.
https://ift.tt/2HaGbSP
Why do gay people keep smiling?
They can’t keep a straight face
robin: oh no the batmobile isnt starting!
batman: check the battery robin: whats a tery?
You know what really makes my day?
The rotation of the earth
What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA
Kicked out of the petting zoo
Which differential operator requires the strictest boundary conditions?
The Stern- Liouville operator
You know what’s wrong with political jokes?
They sometimes get elected.
FOR SALE, Broken Quiz Machine
No Questions asked
I was born with two kidneys,
Now I've got two adult knees.
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got 6 months
Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.
He came closer and asked what problem is. Old man: I’m looking for my son, but I’m gonna lose my hope. Jesus pitied the man and said, “let’s look for your son together.” After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily. Yes, said the old man. “He had nails driven on his hands and feet.” Jesus started and hugged the man, saying “FATHER!” The old man screamed happily, “PINOCCHIO!”
Did you hear about the short psychic who escaped prison?
He's a small medium at large
My girlfriend gave me a list of things she’d like to do for her 32nd birthday
I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.
My friends always make fun of me for having an imaginary girlfriend.
Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.
How would a stoner propose to another stoner?
Marriage-you-wanna?
What’s the best thing to put on a hot dog?
Water, to cool him down.
A Brazilian man in Mexico doesn’t know why the U.S. deported him there.
Can you imagine Hispanic?
Just so everybody’s clear…..
I'm going to put my glasses on
My math teacher called me average…
How mean.