After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.
Turns out her sister had it all along…
…is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors, but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient…
…as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
6:30. Hands down.
Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species. Myneckisaur. This is my first dad joke post 🙂
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
I just don't see it myself
A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la
Two reasons I don’t give money to homeless people. 1) They are going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol
2) I am going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol.
No they chlorofeel.
They're so picky!
So the Bar tender says “Hey man, whats with the wheel?” so the Pirate tells him “Arrrr, its Drivin’ me nuts!”
Nothing, it stands for nothing.
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
You can unscrew a lightbulb
Now I don't know where I am.
She hasn’t realized it yet, but the Thyme is Cumin.
When the punchline become apparent.
it's a naan stick pan
C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?
She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" she asked. "Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay her. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
It’s not a very long poem, but it’s pretty deep.
We're good but we still haven't gotten a gig yet.
Over Andover again
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Sting in bed the other night, I asked my wife, “Honey, if I died, would you let your next husband have my recliner”?
She replies, “Well it would be a waste not to, he may find it comfortable”. Then I ask, “What about my boat”? And she says, “I just don’t think you will be needing your boat after your gone. We may retire and do a lot of fishing”. So I did some thinking and asked, “How about my truck, surely you’ll sell it because all of the memories of us riding in it together will be too much for you to bear and too awkward with your next husband”. She replies, “You know, it is paid for with low miles, I’ll probably hang on to it”. Then, getting kinda nervous, I said, “Well SURELY you wont let him have my golf clubs”? To which my wife responds, “Oh no honey, don’t worry about that, he’s left handed”.
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music – all that hip hop and rap tap – but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?" "Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!" Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife" they both ran away..
He got car-pull-tunnel syndrome.
She asked for ice for some imaginary wound, and as I gave her the ice pack (shaped like a circle with five fingers), she told me, "Thanks, Dad, I just needed a hand." I've never been more proud.