Again with this shit
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8 ball: i’m a pile of cocaine, what the hell do you think?
The second time let me down
I come from a long line of wood winds, so I was shocked when my daughter said she wanted to be a percussionist
But thinking back, when I checked her instrument case, the cymbals were always there.
Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.
You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)
National dyslexia association
Make America grate again!
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I'll go on ahead.
But coccaine is where I draw the line
I SAID MAYBEEEE!!
You can't tell me that's a coincidence
He let out a little wine.
A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to his joy, he found a man washed up on the beach who would be able to take some of the workload from him. However, his hopes were shattered when the man's first words were, "Hi, gorgeous, how about the kiss of life?" 'Oh f*ck,' thinks the man, 'there goes Mondays.'
Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.
A father in law
Would it be called an Edison?
My response was "Of course, it's a house made of steaks. Except the floor of course. That's made of ground beef." Heard the wife's eyes roll from across the room.
“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said. She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers. It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t say where she got them.
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Do. Do hash. Do hash browns. Do hash browns sound good. Do hash browns sound good.
Congratulations, you can now say razor blades in Australian.
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
His Law Suit.
He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools – Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father, "Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?" "Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to have any fun at all." "What about Hampden-Sydney?" "Well, it's an all guys school, so unless you're into that, I wouldn't be too confident." "Well, Alabama has to have something, right?" "Alabama!" the father says with a chuckle. "Well, at Alabama, I'd say your chances of getting laid are pretty relative!"
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
I thought, "How useless is that? July is ages away."
So far I have made three jugs and a vase so fuck you, Mr. Johnson!