I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago….
…since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
The waterbed salesman called out to me: “NOW WITH SHIATSU MASSAGE!!!”
"Really?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Just fill it with tap water."
They say sex sells…
Probably because you can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits.
Why does Santa fear getting stuck in a chimney?
Because he’s Claustrophobic.
My dad used to change wheels on cars.
Now he's retired.
Why was the broom late to work?
It overswept
What one food reduces a woman’s sex drive by 90%?
Wedding cake.
Television for sale
On my way to work I saw an advert in a shop window that said: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” – I thought to myself, ‘I can’t turn that down.'
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle!
Did you know they aren’t making metre sticks any longer?
No text found
I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.
Hold on, it's 900. Edit: No, wait, it's 500.
When I show people my step ladder I always tell them in a sad voice,
“I never knew my real ladder.”
I’ve started saying “mucho” to all of my Mexican friends.
It means a lot to them.
I love pressing the F5 key.
It's very refreshing.
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
“Some asshole has my pen.”
I am suspicious that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Uuhhhhh someone messed up
https://ift.tt/2Ztrunc
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type…
As he died, he kept insisting “BE POSITIVE,” but it’s really hard without him.
At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He looked surprised and said, "Nein, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
Whenever I eat burnt toast it makes me feel sick.
I guess I’m just black toast intolerant.
I recently became addicted to viagra..
My wife has been taking it really, really hard.
I’ve genuinely lost my voice
Said no one, ever
I had sex with an almond tree once
It was at that point in my life i realized i was fucking nuts.
Long. A little white rabbit is being chased through the forest by a bear.
As they are running, they both trip over a magic lamp. The genie pops out and looks at the two. “Since you both touched the lamp, you will both get 3 wishes,” says the genie. The bear starts jumping up and down waving its paws and says “Oh, oh, oh, me first! I wish all the bears in this forest except for me were female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the forest except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a scooter, please.” The genie snaps his fingers and poof a little white scooter just the right size for the rabbit appears. The bear says, “Oh, oh, oh! If you can make all the bears in this forest female, then I want all the bears in this country but me to be female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all of the bears in that country except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a helmet.” The genie snaps his fingers and a little white helmet with ear holes appears on the seat of the scooter. The bear is really excited now. He leaps up and down and yells, “If you can make all the bears in this country female, then I wish all the bears in the world were female except me!!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the entire world except for this bear are female. The rabbit puts on his helmet and hops on the scooter. He looks at the genie, then at the bear, then back to the genie. He says, “I wish the bear was gay,” and drives off.
I’m not wearing glasses anymore.
I’ve seen enough.
Today I saw two blind people fighting…
I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife" they both ran away..
I received a letter the other day saying my tax return was ‘outstanding’.
Although it's lovely to receive such high praise from HMRC, to be honest I can't even remember sending one in.
cats 😀 scat 😔
cats 😀 scat 😔
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii (please don't down vote me too much, my 6 year old daughter made up this joke and wanted me to post it).
Dad: *washing car with son*
Son: Dad, can't you just use a sponge ?
Why can’t pencils move?
Because they are stationery I am not sorry I will be glad if i make at least a few people smile