Ah, the science of flirting.
Google is so dangerous! I searched how to become and arsonist…..
And immediately received 50,000 matches!!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the bread not go to the doctor?
Because it felt butter in the morning.
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the bartender, "What's that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "How big are the cats!?"
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
“Yes, we arson.”
Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Saw 10 homeless ants
Decided to build them a house to live in and charge them rent. Now I collect rent from my tenants
some guys told me this isn’t boomer humor.. wife ugly but she put big things in mouth hehe
https://ift.tt/2z5YrvC
A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all.
Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Now it's your turn to speak.
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
I’ve asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the bar…
Well, she always said she wanted a night in shining armor!
I know loads of jokes about cash machines
I just can't think of one atm
I went into a Chinese takeaway last night
The owner of the shop said, What do you do for a riving? I said, What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian. So the Chinese chap says, Go on then, change color. I said, No. I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian. So then he says, Tell me a joke, make me raff. I said, You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh? Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, Wok. Wok. And he said, Who der?
Ya hear about the first guy to invent garden shears?
It was cutting-hedge technology.
Why are Vegans considered as anti-social?
Cause they never meat-up. If there are any vegans reading this please don't start a beef.
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
A dad was washing his car with his son
After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it…
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
It’s probably not safe for me to be driving this car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
A husband died
A husband died. A few years later, his wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!" The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says, "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
Imagine having a president that doesn’t understand how the First Amendment works
https://ift.tt/2yEEfRR
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Someone threw a can of coke at my head today….
Im ok though, it was a soft drink
I got a bad thesaurus.
It was bad.
How do you make a fish not smell?
Cut off its nose.