Did you hear about the guy who ate bananas whole?
He didnât peel too well
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow Iâm returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
No matter how popular they get
antibiotics will never go viral.
I hired a landscape gardener…
But he said he couldnât help as my garden was portrait.
A math teacher was arrested today
In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler. He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.
Why isnât there any COVID-19 cases in Antarctica?
Because theyâre ice-o-lated.
God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the âwormâ welcome God: creates birds
The guy who stole my diary just died…
My thoughts are with his family!
People have called me a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasnât unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didnât know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, âHoney, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?â He hadnât and said so. Then she said, âTomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what sheâs really doing.â Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. âWell, is she selling drugs?â she asked excitedly.â âNo, sheâs not.â he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. âWell, what is it, then?â his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. âHer name is Sally and sheâs selling batteries.â âBatteries?â cried the wife. âYes,â he replied. âShe sells C cells by the Seashore.â
How do you cut the ocean in half?… you use a sea saw
You use a sea saw!
Got into a fight with a vending machine
Had to knock some cents into it
Guy walks into a bar and notices pieces of meat hanging from the cieling.
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and canât do it, they have to buy everyoneâs drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if heâs willing to try it and the guy says âno, the steaks are too highâ.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows to high..
She looked surprised
A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning…
A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing. As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet person laying there. "Hey, buddy!" The guy sat up and looked as wet and cold as he was drunk. "Hey fella, get outta the rain and on the bus." "I can't", mumbled the drunk, "I don't haff any money." "Nevermind that, get on the bus", said the driver kindly. So the drunk staggers up the steps and plonks down in the seat across from the driver. He looked so bedraggled and sad that the driver wanted to make him feel at least a little bit happier. So he says to the drunk, "Hey, buddy, hey watch this!" He stops the bus and a sour-looking older woman gets on, shaking her umbrella. She deposits her fare, and as she goes past the driver, he says, "Tickle your c#nt with a feather?" The woman wheels around, "What did you say?!!" The driver answers, "Typical country weather….Don't you agree?" The woman is red-faced and embarrassed at what she thought she heard and mumbles yes, she agrees and sits herself well down the back. The drunk is smiling a bit, so the driver knows its having a positive effect. "Watch this one", he says. Sure enough, at the next stop another woman gets on. She looks like she's never cracked a smile in her life. As she drops in her fare and starts to move past the driver, he mumbles, "Tickle your snatch with a feather?" The woman gasps and says,"I beg your pardon?!!" To which the driver answers, "I said typical nasty weather." The woman is completely shaken and apologises and agrees, yes the weather is atrocious. Then hurries to her seat. Now the drunk is chuckling quite freely. The driver leans over and says to the drunk, "Why don't you do the next one?" The drunk shakes his head, "No, I'm too dr-dr-drunk." "Nah", says the driver, "you do this one." So as the bus stops, the drunk pulls himself up straight in the seat, smooths his clothes out and stares straight ahead. His face is a study in concentration. As the lady pays her fare and begins to pass by the drunk, he says in a clear, strong voice, "SCRATCH YER C#NT WITH A STICK?" The woman, absolutely shocked, turns to the drunk and says, "WHAT did you say to me?!!" "F#ckin' cold, eh?!"
What do u call a zombie that writes music?
A decomposer
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping…
âŠwith a really angry bear somewhere close by.
bert: “do you want some ice cream?”
ernie: "sherbert"
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
A gorgeous nymphomaniac boarded a plane…
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside him. "Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States …" He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
Went to the doctors for a prostate exam
During the exam he said it's not unusual to become aroused or even ejaculate ……. But I still wish he hadn't
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said âWhatâs up…can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?â He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."
After sex I like to cook for my husband….
He usually appreciates coming home from work to a hot meal.
A man killed his lifelong friend
He was charged with homiecide
Why don’t ghosts like rain on halloween?
It dampens theirs spirits.
Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!
Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it. Wife: And when does that part come? Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.
My wife threatened to kick me out of the house if I did not stop acting like a Flamingo.
That was when I put my foot down!
Why do my jokes never land?
They go too far above your head.
A guy moves to Alaska to get away from it all…..
After 6 months of isolation, he is starting to get lonely. On Dec 26th, there is a knock of the door for the first time. He opens the door to find a large middle aged man with a big beard and plaid shirt. "I'm your neighbor from 11 miles down the road. I'm having a New Years Eve party and wondered if you'd like to come." Why sure, that sounds like fun! It's pretty lonely out here in the wilderness. "Ok, anytime after 9. Oh, and there's going to be some drinkin' going on." That's no problem, I like a drink myself. "OK, could be some fightin' too" Heh, well, I know how to take care of myself. I'll be careful. "And sure to be some sex too." Well, I've been pretty much alone for 6 months, so that sounds like just what I'm looking for! Any suggestion on what to wear to the party? "Wear? Wear what you want, it's just you and me."
The girl I just started dating told me she is Russian
I told her I think we should take things slowly
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, “I know something about this cemetery that you donât.â And I was like what is it? He continued, “The people living in this town canât be buried here.â I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz theyâre still alive!"
A man walks into a bar
So a guy walks into a bar one day and he canât believe his eyes. There, in the corner, thereâs this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, âWhereâd he come from?â And the bartenderâs, like, âThereâs a genie in the menâs room who grants wishes.â So the guy runs into the menâs room and, sure enough, thereâs this genie. And the genieâs, like, âYour wish is my command.â So the guyâs, like, âO.K., I wish for world peace.â And thereâs this big cloud of smokeâand then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the menâs room and heâs, like, âHey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.â And the bartenderâs, like, âNo kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?â Edit: So apparently there was a joke like this a month ago and I didn't notice, this wasn't a repost.
Did you hear about the electrician who drank on the job?
He got buzzed