ah yes
Nine months isn’t really that long…
It only feels like a maternity!
The Wood Glue I just bought doesn’t stick.
I guess I got the wouldn't glue instead.
What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a registered 6 offender
“From a neighbor who posts dad jokes on little signs in his front yard. Started during the isolation to cheer up the community”
“COVID19 DAY20 Ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know”
Damn girl are you a redditor?
Cause you just keep repeating the same shit
A woman was sitting at her dead husband’s funeral.
A man leans toward her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "No, go ahead," replies the woman. The man stands, clears his throat, and says, "Plethora," then sits back down. "Thanks," says the woman, "that means a lot."
On average, a panda feeds for approximately 12 hours a day. It’s the same with humans under quarantine.
That’s why it’s called a “Pandemic”.
If a blind girl says you have a big penis.
She’s probably just pulling your leg.
The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
What do you call a person who doesn’t wash his hands after pooping?
Arnold from marketing on the 7th floor. Fuck you dude, that’s disgusting. I know you sort by new and can see this. Wash your hands and Lysol your keyboard.
Fred is a hippo who went to University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked him where the medical building was, Fred replied, "it's over there and to the left. I do research on the brain in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
What does an inflated tire say when it gets excited?
“I’m pumped”.
Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.
I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.
My daughter has started asking me questions about the human body
I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there
Did you know Tampax gives away slightly defective tampons for free?
No strings attached.
Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper
One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda "What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?" "You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pogroms, antisemitic hate crimes and it's just depressing and scary, here on the other hand" he says while showing his friend the frontpage " I'm apparently a masterminded banker, have millions in secret accounts and even rule the whole world!"
A man enters a pun contest
He sent in ten puns, hoping at least one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
I was going to make a Corona virus joke
But I would feel guilty if anyone got it.
Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)
Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together. "Is this your first child?" says the older woman. "No," says the younger woman. "I have another." "I have three." Continues the older woman. "After the first kid, my husband was so sweet. He bought me a diamond necklace." "Oh, how nice." Said the young woman. "After the second, he bought me a new car. He said I deserve the best." "Oh, how nice." Said the younger woman. "And after the third, he bought us a new house. It was expensive, but he said his family was worth it." "Oh, how nice." Said the younger woman. "So, what has your husband gotten you?" "Well, we only have one child. After he was born, my husband thought I needed to clean up my language, so he got me lessons at charm school." "Is that so?" "Yes. Now instead of saying 'go fuck yourself,' I say 'oh, how nice'."
“Waiter! Waiter! There’s a dead fly in my soup!”
"Yes sir, the heat tends to kill them."
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Frankly, your service provider.
I found out how vaccines cause autism,
Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
I’m not going to bed tonight.
Hopefully I won't get locked up for resisting a rest.
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
A physicist sees a man about to jump off of the Empire State Building…
He yells,” Don’t do it, you have too much potential”
I overheard this guy whispering Pokemon jokes to a friend
But I couldn't catch them all
I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.
Always walkin around like they rent the place.
Bad knock-knock joke #1
Knock, knock. Who's there? Spell. Spell who? Okay, W-H-O.
What does ED stand for?
Nothing, it stands for nothing.
My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but was not given the gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
What’s a gay man’s favorite emoji?
😀 Because it puts a D right next to a colon.
