Ah yes, a completely binary affaire with no place for nuance or individualism.
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan
Sleeping is so easy…
… I can do it with my eyes closed.
Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?
Man: Good news first please, doc! Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you
Are you pissed?
Wife: Not necessarily. Me: Ok. So you are pissed but, unnecessarily?
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
The other day I saw a bucket at the hardware store with a sign that said: dead batteries – $1 each.
I thought to myself “these should be free of charge”.
My wife asked me “Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?”
Apparently "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer.
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail.
He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh at him and say"That's a girl's name!" Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin' Terry.
Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you don't get bored there.
What has 2 legs and bleeds constantly?
Half a dog.
I take Viagra for my sun burn…
It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep. Obligatory: Thank you for the silver and gold, kind strangers! My first awards ever.
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now he's aware wolf
What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer?
The serial killer might listen if you plead with them
Before you get angry at someone, walk a mile in his shoes,
That way you will be a mile away and have his shoes.
I’m hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
If you can't come, let me know.
The husband leans over and asks his wife
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
You put a nipple on it
Hillary’s emails
[deleted]
Have you heard about that guy who got his left hand cut?
He's alright now
My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love
so we started using lubricant
My friend David lost his ID.
Now he's just Dav.
What’s brown and not very heavy?
Light brown
My neighbor and I are good friends. So we thought we share our water supply.
We got a long well.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
What’s the difference between a guitar, a fish, and glue?
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish!
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
Name calling does not a president make. He has the mentality of a spoiled child.
https://ift.tt/38EQkmd
Trying to write some clean jokes about bowling balls
but they keep ending up in the gutter.
I tried learning brail recently..
I stopped because I wasnt feeling it.
What happens when you crash your fancy new car?
Your Mercedes bends
I was walking back from the pub last night and found a homeless girl hidden amongst the bins.
She was filthy and smelled awful but I knew under all the grime there was a pretty girl. So I took her in and bathed her and as I towelled her down I became aroused. One thing led to another and next minute we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor. At one point I was banging her so hard you'd have sworn she was still alive