Ah yes, a completely binary affaire with no place for nuance or individualism.
What does COVID and riding a motorcycle have in common?
You can do everything right but other people can still fuck you over.
If you’re looking for a slutty Halloween costume…
Dress as a professor. They barely cover anything important.
Autocorrect…
Makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.
This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?”
I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."
Today a girl kissed me
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history
Edit: Holy shit this blew up
Did you hear about the all-janitor baseball team?
They swept the finals
People call me Mr. Compromise…
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
My Friend Told Me He Identifies As A Broadcasting Radio Station
I told him “You can’t be Sirius”
The bouncer said to me, “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” I said, “Why?”
They said, “I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.”
Three Logicians Walk Into a Bar
The Bartender asks, "would everybody like a drink?" The first logician says "I don't know." The second logician says "I don't know." The third logician says "Yes."
Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He’s a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock…
Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No idiot… Cows go moo!
A canibal shows up late to a dinner
He ended up getting the cold shoulder
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because they'd be called bagels if they flew over the bay…
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk…..
…..but I never got the chants.
A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they’ll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.
The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset. As the sun dips in the sky, here comes the horse back, with a beautiful brunette in the saddle. "Is this your last request?" the chief asks. "Uh, no," says the cowboy. "My last request is to say goodbye to my horse once more." "Ok…" says the chief. The cowboy leans into his horses ear and hisses, "You idiot! I said 'Posse! Posse!"
How to die from falling down the stairs:
Step 1, Step 2, Step 4, Step 9, Step 22, Step 23,
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky
My wife is turning 32 soon…
I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.” “What are you talking about?” she asked. I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”
READ BEFORE POSTING: Memeless Monday is now in effect!
Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it can’t be found on the first page of a google search using keywords and it isn’t a quick edit of an existing template, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
I got bored watching the earth turn…
So after 24 hours, I called it a day!
You can’t change the weather in the tree
But you can climate
Why dont ants get sick?
Because they have anty bodies.
I’m not going to bed tonight.
Hopefully I won't get locked up for resisting a rest.
What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common?
A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry
Why did the rapper shave off his fancy mustache?
It couldn't handle the bars.
I watched my first porno film last week….
I looked so much younger then.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, “I’d like to trade places with Donald Trump!”
They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day. So they ask Trump, he obliges. Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be president?" The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."
God the engineer
Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is. The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex network of levers that make the body move" The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer." The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he must be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"
A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”
He was confused and asks one of the employees about it. “Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’." The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria. There was a sign which read, “Serving Lierogies and Lork tonight.” Thinking about the food made the man hungry, so he went around looking for food. Strangely, in cafetaria he only found two signs that read; line for breakfast and line for dinner, both of which were closed since it was 12:30 PM. Confused and hungry, the man approached the employee and asked, “Where’s the lunchline?”
No one in Antarctica has COVID-19
It's because they are ice-o-lated.