Ah yes, the visible confusion
My wife tore a page from the dictionary and locked it in her closet.
I still don't know the hidden meaning behind it.
How do you know if someone is vegan?
They will tell you.
Did you hear about what happened to the guy from the keyboard factory?
He was fired for not putting in enough Shifts.
Did you hear..
About the snake that fell down on a drum? Ba-dum tsss
A man is asking a farmer about his two cows
Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day? Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one? Man: The brown one. Farmer: About a half gallon a day. Man: And the black one? Farmer: About a half gallon a day. Man (looking puzzled): Ok.. what do you feed them? Farmer: Which one? Man: The brown one. Farmer: She eats grass. Man: And the black one? Farmer: She eats grass, too. Man (becoming annoyed): Why do you keep asking me to specify which cow when the answers are the same? Farmer: Because the brown cow is mine. Man: Oh, and the black one? Farmer: It’s mine, too.
I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today…
That's Hawaii roll…
People are injecting racehorses with steroids, but the cops are finding it difficult to convict them.
It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says…
"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder and asks, "Honey, please…just one more time, before I die." She says, "Of course, dear." and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could…" At this point, the wife sits up and screams, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning…YOU DON’T!!!"
I was thinking they should change the name of the wishbone to the Napoleon.
Because you pull the Bonaparte.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people,
but none of them work
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
You can’t spell advertisements without semen..
..between the tits.
Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk…
And the result was staggering.
I went swimming today and took a pee in the deep end
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud, I almost fell in
Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.
"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room. Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"
If your nose runs and your feet smell
you're built upside down.
My dad passed away last year because my family didn’t know blood type in time for the doctors to do a transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's hard without him.
My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.
I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.
(From a 6-year old) Why did Cinderella always lose at tennis?
Because her coach was a PUMPKIN.
Two friends decide to go on their honeymoon together…
One evening while the women are in their own rooms, the men drinking at the pub below their lodge, Rob: I bet a 100 dollars I can fuck way more than you ever could in a night. Dan: I don’t think so! I would like to compare numbers tomorrow morning at breakfast! Rob: you know how the ladies get talking about this sorta stuff… Dan: I’ll tell you what, mark the count on the outside of your door and I’ll do the same, no one else has to know… They go back up. Rob has sex 3 times, marks his door with lll and goes to bed. Dan comes around at 4 in the morning, barely able to walk, and looks at Rob’s door, and swears “Rob you son of a bitch! I wish my wife didn’t pass out, I was 6 away from your 111 !!”
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
What do the films Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icy dead people
A DEA agent stopped by my farm yesterday.
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said. “By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied. The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!” I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life being chased by my angry rodeo bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life. I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”
Wendy’s does damage control… and brainstorms the possibilities..
Wendy’s does damage control… and brainstorms the possibilities..
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day I was hired.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
I haven’t spoke to my wife in 7 years
I don't want to interrupt her
What do we want? Low flying airplane noises
When do we want it Neeeooooooow
Where did Noah put the bees?
In the Ark hives.
Jews foreskin be like
[removed]
A farmer has 3 bulls and 200 cows
One of the bulls is large and has 100 cows to himself. The second bull is medium sized and has 70 cows. The third bull is small and has 30 cows. One day the farmer gets another bull. The large bull says, “I don’t care how big he is, he’s not getting a single one of my cows.” The medium bull says, “Same here, those are my cows.” The small bull agrees saying, “I’ll fight if I have to, but he’s not taking my cows.” The new bull is brought to the farm. The trailer is shaking, and the door bursts open. One of the farmhands is launched backwards, and massive bull comes out of the trailer. The large bull says, “Forget it, he can have my cows.” The medium bull, quivering by now, says, “No way can I stop him. I guess he can have my cows, too.” They look to the small bull to see him raring up for a fight. “What the hell are you doing?! You can’t hope to take him,” they scream to the small bull. The small bull calmly replies, “I’m trying to make sure he knows I’m not a cow.”