Ahaha phone bad
My girlfriend thinks I act too feminine, and she’s always questioning my sexuality. She says I should try to act tougher, so that if she feels threatened by some guy she can feel safe with me…
but I assured her that if any guy tries to get too close to her I'd be the first one to beat him off.
That would be admitting that 2021
Despite the massive age difference, my dad was surprisingly relieved to hear I was dating Dane Cook.
He said “at least he won’t try anything funny.”
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance…
But none of them work.
Unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
When I got home from work I found two turds in my toilet. I know for a fact when I left there were three.
Finally my high school karate lessons came of some use.
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
She seemed surprised.
A man was told by his doctor that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized a solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek. I ask him "What are you doing?" "I'm measuring your patience."
Nothing. It’s on the house.
Because why nacht.
My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people. One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally. Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?” My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.” Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is. Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”
He didn't listen though.
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
Now you know who the best people are
(more like memeless quarter-of-sunday-and-monday today, starting a little earlier for administrative reasons).Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it isn’t on knowyourmeme and isn’t a quick edit of a template on kym, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!Questions can go in this thread today, in the future please send them through modmail.
Royalty free music
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk”
I can’t afford anything.
Instructor: don't lick my lips again.
I can do it with my eyes closed
She said she just can't take it any longer.
It's too close to the gas chamber. Edit: Jesus Christ, look at that, I got silver! Not 30 pieces, but anyway.
One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.
The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost."