AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I SURE HOPE SOMEONE GETS THIS SUPER COMPLEX JOKE HAHAHAH I’M FUCKING DEAD πππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππ [x-post /r/mathmemes]
What has four wheels and flies?
A rubbish truck
My dad once told me that jacking off too much can make you go blind
Then I said "Dad, I'm over here."
A doctor and a lawyer
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together…
Thank god this guy is going to have sex with a billionaire actress half his age.
https://ift.tt/2yRNP3u
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I managed to figure it out.
You can say…. I solved the case.
Atheism…
is a non-prophet organization.
Why did they release Star Wars episodes 4, 5 & 6 before episodes 1, 2 & 3?
In charge of the schedule Yoda was.
Somebody complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said βParking Fineβ. So that was nice.
Whats red and smells like yellow paint
Red paint
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
It is hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
A man buys a lie detector robot
That slaps people who lie, and be decides to try it out on his son during dinner. βWhere were you during school hours?β He asks. βAt school!β His son replies. The robot slaps the boy. βOk I was at my friends house….β His son says. βWhat were you doing there? βReading comics!β The robot slaps the son again. βOk ok!! We were watching an erotic movie…β βWhat?? I didnβt even know erotic movies existed when I was your age!β The dad exclaims. The robot quickly slaps him. His wife laughs and says, βWow, he really IS your son-β The robot slaps the wife.
I caught my sister masturbating with a carrot.
I was going to eat that later but it will only taste like a carrot now
Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said …."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for? "Check for squirrel." he responds
Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.
βLetβs go in and get something to eat,β Jim suggests. βWe canβt,β responds John. βDonβt you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?β βOh, that sign?β says Jim. βDonβt worry about it.β Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, the host says, βSorry, no pets allowed.β βCanβt you see?β says Jim. βI am blind. This is my Seeing Eye dog.β βBut itβs a Doberman pinscher. Who uses a Doberman pinscher as a Seeing Eye dog?β the host asks. βOh,β Jim responds, βyou must not have heard. This is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog. They do a very good job.β Seeing that it worked, John tries walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he can open his mouth, the host says, βDonβt tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog.β John responds angrily, βYou mean they gave me a Chihuahua?β
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt
She's probably pulling your leg.
A boy asks his dad one day, βDad, whatβs the difference between confident and confidential?β
His dad replies, βWell, youβre my son β Iβm confident about that. And your best friend Jimmy is also my son β thatβs confidential.β
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful
Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas.
The other letters were not-E.
How do Disney princesses screw in a lightbulb?
They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
Weβll see about that…
My daughter said she literally canβt even…
… so thatβs odd.
Accordion to a recent study, 90% of people didnβt realize
I put an instrument at the start of this sentence.
What do you call a cheap circumcision
A rip off
If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?
Personally, Iβd get rid of the 800m. Itβs too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.
I bought a Christmas tree today.
The shopkeeper asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said βno, itβs going in the living roomβ.
I had my first parachute jump today and was so terrified! This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane and as we plummeted, he said…
"So, how long have you been an instructor?"
ββI walkeββd iββn froββm worββk todaββy anββd mββy wifββe waββs sittinββg oββn thββe sofββa witββh mββy girlfriend.
ββI saidββ, βWhatβββs goinββg on?β βYoββu telββl me?βββ replieββd mββy wife. ββI saidββ, βββI donβββt knowββ, youβrββe sittinββg oββn thββe sofββa witββh ββa stranger.β βββA strangerββ, hey?βββ shouteββd mββy girlfriendββ, βIβββm nββo strangerββ, weβvββe beeββn havinββg seββx foββr siββx months!β ββI lookeββd aββt mββy wifββe anββd saidββ, βIββs thiββs true?β
We should get all the ex-USSR states back together
Then we could have a Soviet re-Union
Watched a movie in 1440p for the first time yesterday.
It was my new year's resolution.
My wife wanted a robot vacuum for Christmas, so I got a cheap knock-off made in Mexico..
Itβs called Aye Caroomba.
Did you hear about the new pen that can write underwater?
It can write other words too.
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A slipper!
Why donβt dolphins have legs?
It would de-feet the whole porpoise…
Just got married, the wedding was so beautiful and emotional!
Even the cake was in tiers!
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty!