Ahh…
Q: Why did Star Wars episodes 4,5, and 6 come before 1,2, and 3?
A: Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.
Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
Whenever I go to bed I imagine I’m a cop
I go under cover.
The Ultimate Blonde Joke
A blonde is speeding and is pulled over by a blonde woman cop. The cop asks the driver for her license and she says 'What's that?' The cop says, "You know – it's that squarish thingy with your picture on it". The driver digs in her purse, finds a small mirror, looks in it and then hands it to the cop. The cop looks at it, gives it back and says, "OK, you can go. I didn't know you were a cop".
Why do Uber drivers skip the gym ?
Because they don't even Lyft
Never fight dinosaurs..
You’ll get Jurasskicked
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
Well the flag is a big plus!
I have lots of Kenny Rogers jokes, but in light of his recent passing, I won’t tell them.
You gottta know when to hold 'em.
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you, I have contacts
Describe yourself in three words
Not good at math
I don’t like stand-up comedy
But I do like sitting down
What do you call a person who doesn’t wash his hands after pooping?
Arnold from marketing on the 7th floor. Fuck you dude, that’s disgusting. I know you sort by new and can see this. Wash your hands and Lysol your keyboard.
What do you get when you melt the wizard of oz?
The wizard of fl.oz.
Two plus sized woman walk into a bar
At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!" Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!" The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"
Why did the weightlifter start losing IQ points?
Because he kept hanging out with dumbbells.
Her: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?
Me: That’s a…..novel idea.
I am able to suck my period blood back into my vagina…
Allow me to demenstruate.
Seniors during quarantine
I was on a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks. “Now what?”, responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”
What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Donald trump walks into a bar…
And lowers it.
Want to make your water bed more bouncy?
Use, spring water.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
My doctor told me I had Type-A blood…
sadly it was a Type-O
[NSFW] What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Glrhrglelgrglugr
What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!
Three inmates are on the train to the gulag.
One of them decides to start a conversation. “So what did you guys do to end up here? I came to the factory late and they accused me of slowing down the revolution.” The second man says: “I arrived at the factory to early and they accused me of trying to rush the revolution.” The third man says: “I arrived at the factory right on time and they accused me of having a western watch.”
I don’t want to sound racist but…
Everyone in the KKK looks the same to me…
My wife just gave birth to a set of identical twins. She named the first one Pete.
I named the second one Repeat.
![When you can’t afford a trip to Europe [HUMOUR]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/zhp2c11izm541-400x400.jpg)
During this pandemic I’m buying lots of stocks.
Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!
My friend told me she didn’t understand how cloning works
"that makes two of us"
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Best incest joke? It’s actually pretty hilarious, but I won’t tell you.
We keep it in the family
Three men go to heaven
At the gate into heaven St. Peter tells them, they can have everything they want as long as they do not step on a dark cloud. After that, they enter and have an amazing time. But after a week the first comes up to the others with his leg in a bear trap. The others ask him: "What happend?" "I stepped on a dark cloud" – he replies. After another week the second man comes up to the others in a wheel chair and blind on one eye. "Yeah, before you guys ask. Yes, I stepped on a dark cloud." After another week the third man comes up with a hot, astonishing and absolute breathtaking woman by his side. The others, obviously confused, ask him: "Hey, what happened to you? Please explain." "Stepped on a dark cloud" – she replies.
An 18 year-old Italian girl missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed Jeffrey Epstien didn't kill himself in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I don’t mean to toot my own horn
But sometimes I have trouble getting into the driver’s seat.
