“Mister E. how do I get more muscle?”, “ah, you see young Opi, the secret it’s in the mass”
“Mister E. how do I get more muscle?”, “ah, you see young Opi, the secret it’s in the mass”
Damn girl, are you a toaster?
Because a bath with you would send me to heaven.
Did you know you can tell if an ant is a boy or a girl by dropping it in water?
If it sinks it's a girl ant If it floats it's boy ant
What do you call someone who cusses but it nice about it?
A good swearitan.
I was addicted to soap for years…
I’m clean now!
How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?
Also why is water so fuckin scary?
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me racist…
A lot of black people would try to mug me
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands;
There are no canaries there either.
My kid asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
If anyone needs a tip on where to store leftover Halloween candy…
I’ve got a few Twix up my sleeve.
When asked what his favorite holiday was. Arnold Schwarzenegger replied.
"I Still Love Easter BABY!"
Working at an unemployment office must be so tense.
Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
Doctor: Hi, my name is Juan, and I’ll be delivering your baby.
Dad: OB Juan, you’re our only hope.
What’s the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots and shoots and never hits, and the other hoots and hoots and never shits.
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
It got removed from other community but I think I can post here. Too good to let it pass…
https://ift.tt/2X4DFVt
A man had been drinking all night…
A man had been drinking all night at a bar before puking all over his shirt. “Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So he goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok…then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
What happens when someone steals uranium?
It becomes theiranium.
What’s the cheapest meat? Deer balls.
They're under a buck.
A deaf accountant works for the mafia.
One day, the king pin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator. "Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the king pin. Translator says, "There's a million dollars missing, boss wants to know where it is." Deaf man signs over to the translator, "What? I have no idea what he's talking about." Translator says to the boss, "Boss, he says he doesn't know what you're talking about". Boss says to the translator "I'm gonna ask one more time. Where is the money?" Translator says to the deaf accountant, "He's asking one more time, where's the money?" Deaf man reiterates to the translator through sign, "Seriously, I don't know what he's talking about!" Translator says to the Boss, "He says he seriously doesn't know what you're talking about." The boss is now infuriated. He slams his fist down on the table, and points a gun to the accountants head. He tells the translator, "TELL THIS MOTHER FUCKER I WILL BLOW HIS BRAINS ALL OVER THIS DESK IF HE DOESN'T TELL ME WHERE THE MONEY IS RIGHT FUCKING NOW" Translator signs to the accountant "Ok he's dead serious. You better tell him where the money is, or he's going to kill you right here." Accountant signs to the translator, "OK! OK! I'll tell you! I hid it in a briefcase underneath my deck!" Mafia Boss asks, "Well, what did he say?!" Translator says, "He said go fuck yourself."
Why do people never eat clocks?
Because it’s really time consuming.
“He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword” said Jesus
the carpenter who was nailed to some wood
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step…
I think I’m being stalked…
What happened when the butcher backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
What do you call a yeti tattoo on your stomach?
Abdominal snowman
A group of bored military officers start talking about whether sex is work or fun
The lieutenant goes first and says, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work." Then captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work." Finally, the major says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work." They are all contemplating these revelations when a private walks by. The officers call the private over to ask his opinion. The major says, "Excuse me, private, we are having a discussion and would like your input. The lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The captain says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. Private, what is your opinion?" The private says, "Well sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun, because if there was any work involved, you would have me do it.
Finland has just closed their borders
No one will be crossing the finish line
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had loco motives
Is this sub dead?
No one's posted here all decade… (Regards from New Zealand)
THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD…
How bad is it you ask? So bad, THAT…. My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. I saw a Mormon with only one wife. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. A picture is now only worth 200 words. When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. And, finally… I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!